EUNUCH OF THE YEAR: SAUDI FOREIGN MINISTER FILLS IMPORTANT GAP IN WAHHABIST GOVERNANCE

Besides becoming the first commoner to ascend to the lofty position of foreign minister for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, ‘Aadil Al-Jubayr, brings with him another characteristic which harkens back to old times in the courts of the ‘Abbassids, Mamluks and Ottomans: the Institution of the Eunuch.  The eunuchs were castratii who were the only males permitted to enter the harem of the Caliph, King or Sultan.  To insure no hanky-panky, the males were rendered eunuchs and were often of African stock to insure absolute knowledge about the origins of any new offspring of the leader.  Besides an harem for females, there were also the kinkier institutions of the Pages, little boys who were honored with nightly visits by the Caliph or Sultan whenever they had grown weary of female company.  

The life of Al-Jubayr, during his youth,  is shrouded in mystery.  Some have said he was King Saud’s favorite page.  Some say he was the king’s favorite but was often used as entertainment for visiting dignitaries like the Shah of Iran, Haile Selassie or Winston Churchill –  a special gift from one reigning monarch to another of equal status.  Some say he was the incarnation of a common trollop, hopping from one bed to another in exchange for something as basic as Turkish delight or taffy.  However, when Al-Jubayr lost whatever features attracted the king and began to sprout a beard, the jealous king had him castrated immediately and plunked down in the harem where he began to develop his influence – even though he was not of African origin.  Throughout his term as Chief Eunuch, he developed effeminate features due to a change in his hormones, a loss in masculine hair follicles which would render him beardless for the rest of his life – a jarring appearance for a male in a Wahhabist culture distinctive for its hirsuteness, greasiness and underarm glandular putrescence exuding odors so foul as to repel the most ravenous Egyptian vulture.

Eventually, Al-Jubayr grew tired of his sedentary life organizing the schedules of the king’s wives and concubines and insisted on receiving an education.  According to our unassailable sources, he was ordered whipped “into a frenzy” by the Saudi Sharee’ah Wahhaabist Council of Judges who feared his background could undermine the “high reputation” of the kingdomThe king stepped in, however, and agreed to send him to the University of North Texas where it is said that the only things available are “steers and queers”.  Finding the location appropriate, the young diplomat-in-the-making immersed himself into American culture, scarfing up its mores, attitudes and tastes, in other words, he became the resident catamite on campus where he relished the abuse to which he had become accustomed in Arabia while young.  Unable to grow a beard, he was often cast as a sleazy woman in several plays by Tennessee Williams, Henryk Ibsen and Eugene O’Neil receiving rave reviews from local critics who likened his appearance to that of Phyllis Diller and Hermione Gingold:

Al-Jubayr seen here in his show-stopping performance as Stella in “A Streetcar Named Desire”

           Here is Al-Jubayr’s much-touted tour de force as “Mrs. Blalock, the Madame” in the staged rewrite to the Exorcist by William Peter Blatty. 

 

It was not long before he was able to translate his successes at the University of North Texas into a graduate program at Georgetown University where his hunger for depraved goings-on found its apotheosis in a concatenation of curiously queer and condemnable acts of carnal concupiscence, to wit, he became the cynosure of all jaundiced eyes, extracting excellent grades from fallen Catholic priests – commendations from humiliated professors and numerous invitations to the Saudi Embassy nearby which showcased his talents in numerous midnight soirees to which only the most deplorably decadent diplomats were in attendance, often in monkey suits to please then-ambassador, Bandar bin Sultaan, who, himself developed a fetish for Al-Jubayr’s peculiar pastiche of phantasmagorical phoniness, a trait he was to find most useful when Bandar left D.C. to participate in the murder of 200,000 Syrian citizens alongside fellow war criminal, Robert Ford – leading up to his appointment as the chief of Saudi Arabia’s “diplomatic” corps.

When Sa’ood Al-Faysal was dumped unceremoniously by the new king, Salmaan for reasons having to do with his constant mumbling, fumbling, muttering and stuttering, quivering and shivering, twitching and itching, there was none other than Al-Jubayr to take on the role of the foreign minister; but, this time with a calmness borne of years of having to suffer unspeakable indignities running across rooms with salivating, randy, rag-headed razorbacks reaching for his hairless haunches.

True, he is a unique figure, so to speak, as he swishes back and forth between the chambers of the mighty and powerful.  He is, after all, the Chief Eunuch in the Court of Saudi Arabia and he is, to all of us, EUNUCH OF THE YEAR.

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