Al-Shoolaa Village: 32 kms to the west of Dayr El-Zor City, smack in the middle of the desert in a village occupied by the hardiest of sedenterized bedouin stock, the SAA and the militias composed of mostly Shu’aytaat tribesmen whose obsession with revenge is as incandescent as the ancient god, Shammaash, surrounded a group of ISIS rodents whose many problems here include lack of potable water and shade, and killed 44 of them. One of the disadvantages to fighting with the tribal warriors is that they don’t care about protocol, procedure or much of anything but the nagging memories of the hundreds of fellow tribesmen who were mercilessly executed by ISIS when it first entered the Dayr El-Zor riparian areas to the south of the capital. Today, it was reported, they exacted some measure of vengeance despite orders from the Syrian Army captain in command to take prisoners. I have a report, also, that 32 ISIS rodents were captured in various states of injury. If the Syrian Army were not there, the wounded ISIS cannibals would have been burned to death by the Shua’aytaat.
Several weeks of drone surveillance showed these vermin had succumbed to the wretched environment to which they were dispatched. SAA-MI Intel provided that the terrorists spent most of their time sleeping. According to Monzer’s report, the majority were Iraqis recruited from tribes around Tikreet like the Al-Bu-Hassan and Al-Bu-Majeed. They fought terribly as they must have come to realize that the mechanized Syrian force supported by 3 T-72 tanks had too much firepower and were liaised with some really mean members of the Shua’ytaat. Add to that the appearance of helicopter gunships that targeted RPG operators.
Al-Jubayliyya Quarter in the city: SAA artillery opened up on ISIS groupings destroying 2 headquarters on of which occupied 4 stories in a building. Needless to say, the entire building eventually folded around the rodents inside with only flies making an effort to find their carcasses. A missile launcher was also destroyed according to the report.
Al-Hujayl Hill: 2 pickups with 23mm cannons were destroyed while ineffectively protecting a warehouse loaded with weapons and ammunition.
Burook Hill: A bulldozer used to build up fortifications was rendered inutile. Sadly for the rodents, the manufacturer will not honor any warranties.
Al-Khurayta Village: A terrorist field hospital was raised to the ground by several perfectly aimed mortar shells. This village is located on the Dayr El-Zor-Al-Raqqa-Aleppo Highway. (Hint, hint)
Huwayjat Sakr: Vague reports coming in of major ISIS losses under the weight of an SAA artillery barrage.
A NEW WAVE OF BRITISH TERRORISM THREATENS THE VERY IDEA OF AMERICA:
My friend, Mark the Brit, sends this new threat from Britain:
Queen Elizabeth “The Frumpy” seen here issuing threats to the United States electorate.
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictio…
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!