The amazing feat of Al Gore, America’s Vice President during the Clinton years, in winning both the Academy Award for Best Documentary and his stunning triumph in winning the Nobel Peace Prize was not lost on the Board of Governors of Syrian Perspective. The achievement was all the more remarkable because Mr. Gore has an unimpeachable reputation as a paramount bore whose very name is engraved on the embankments of the River Lethe. His wealth and familial ties to such luminaries as Gore Vidal in no way alter his peculiar brand of soporiferousness with which I was mercifully enveloped once while listening to him in Washington D.C. at some equally sleep-inducing Arab-American convention. To win two such prizes in one lifetime is an amazing feat given such social and personal deficits.
But in the realm of deception and lying, there may be only one man capable of emulating Gore’s astounding achievement. That person would have had to have won another major prize and piggy-back it to another prestigious award. The man we have selected through the rigorous and uncompromising process that has become the calling card of SyrPer’s renowned finesse and methodology is one whose singular search for the ultimate in the Art of Lying comes closest to the master himself, Tony Blair, whose eponymous award is the subject of our announcement today. It is with immense pride that we, the Board of Governors of Syrian Perspective, nominate a liar of such Rabelaisian stature that Tony Blair actually contacted us by Email inquiring whether his name was to be supplanted by another. We politely told him “No”. And here is the Second Nominee for the Tony Blair Liar of the Year Award for 2014: (The first nominee was perennial favorite, Rami Abdul-Rahman, of the Syrian Lavatory for Human Blight.)
ROBERT FORD, FORMER AMBASSADOR TO DAMASCUS AND CIA SPOOK!!
Looking out from the Black Hole of Unscrupulous Lying, Robert Ford, spews out more half-truths than the entire staff of the National Enquirer
In the year 2011, Mr. Ford garnered the very prestigious Egon Krenz/Markus Wolf Award for service to the Syrian security services when he and renowned French wino-diplomat, Eric Chevalier, without the slightest diplomatic fig leaf, scampered about Syria’s western urban regions trying to foment an insurgency against the legitimate government of the Syrian Arab Republic. His efforts only led to the “outing” of many traitors, their identities having been noted by Lt. Gen. Ali Mamlouk of the Syrian General Security Directorate who considered Mr. Ford Syria’s greatest spy-hunter. That award has placed Mr. Ford now at the threshold of glory with this second nomination.
His recent performance at a Middle East Conference in Washington D.C. which was aired on C-Span on Friday, September 12, 2014 tipped the scale irreversibly in his favor. Seated next to the notorious and, frankly, useless Andrew “I have no Ph.D.” Tabler, whose quotability is best reviewed in the yellowish pages of the New York Times, he said something that nobody in his right mind could expect: he said that the Syrian Army was attacking “the moderate opposition” in Hama! It was such astounding audacity that members of the phlegmatic, nay, sullen audience began to look at one another, their eyes rolling like table tennis balls in a lottery basket.
The “moderate opposition” in Hama is none other than the Jabhat Al-Nusra, a legal and sanctioned Alqaeda franchise listed by the United States as a terrorist organization. It vies with ISIS for the top position in beheadings, sex Jihad, mass murder, child and drug abuse. WHAT AUDACITY! Can lying be more sudden or persistent? We are certain Tony Blair looked down from the very heights of prevarication with a benign smile exuding pride and amazement.
The conference to which we referred was particularly interesting for the reason it “boasted” an excellent sampling of the kind of “minds” which are influencing American foreign policy today. Besides the hopelessly clueless Mr. Tabler, the seats were occupied by some of the most perverse and achromatically queer white males whose efforts to hide their ignorance of matters Syrian and Iraqi were best characterized by sudden spasms of twitching, stuttering and vague speech all intended to make the listener think they were privy to classified information which, if revealed, would favorably explain away the suspicious mannerisms which the audience has already presumed were the effete affectations of Ivy League dilettantes and know-nothings.
And so we await the votes of our readers at the end of the year when the victor’s name will be announced. There will be another 3 nominees added to the list of competitors before December 31,2014. Good luck, Mr. Ford. Greatness hides in the cracks and crevices of sewers, just like hunched scoundrels.