NO SPECIAL FORCES; CANADA SENDS OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS TO IRAQ

Special to Mercury News Service.  Brunhilde Liebesbombe reporting from Ottawa and Baghdad.   More and more hoaxes are being foisted upon the people of the world.  From Danny the Syrian staging phony battles to the Syrian Observatory inventing narratives from a Ouija Board to Americans staging mock beheadings, false flags and a myriad other lies concocted by the MI6 people in London and spread by unscrupulous reporters at BBC, NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, WP, NYT working for spooks in Langley and elsewhere, this world has become a cesspool of misinformation and disinformation.

The Commonwealth of Canada was exempt from the list for quite a long time probably due to the endemic Canadian preference for understatement, politeness and, put quite simply, exasperatingly dull behavior.  Not any more, apparently.  Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s virulently pro-Zionist government announced recently that it sent a team of Special Forces operatives to Iraq to help the new government there to deal with ISIS.  Even the Iraqis trumpeted this momentous event demonstrating international resolve to fight a common enemy.

Mercury News Service has learned from informed sources high up in the Harper government that no Canadian Special Forces even exist!  The only thing close to that is the Dudley Do-Right Regiment of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police who specialize in raiding university dormitories, the last such raid taking place at McGill University in Montreal after an African immigrant was detected collecting embarrassing photos of Mr. Harper frolicking in bed with his favorite spotted seal.

In an attempt to cover up the fallout, the Canadian government leaked a story about an “A-Team” that had arrived in Baghdad to help the Iraqis with “technical issues”.  What the spokesperson did not tell the press was that the team consisted of aging hockey stars like Frank Mahovlich, Davey Keon, Red Kelly, Bobby Nevin, Tim Horton, Jean Beliveau and Gordie Howe.  Even the mummified cadaver of hockey star Sid Abel was carried aboard the chartered DeHavilland prop plane for installation and exhibition at the Baghdad Museum of Antiquities.

The entire affair was planned since 2011 when the government of Nouri Al-Maliki decided to adopt ice hockey as a national sport for the country.  After a trip to Canada, the two countries signed a protocol in which Canada promised to send “top tier” hockey players in 2014 to map out the locations for a new series of hockey rinks, train managers and offer Canada’s single greatest gift to mankind, 20,000 pucks.  As it turned out, with the delegation of senescent hockey players arriving in Baghdad, Harper’s cabinet leapt upon the convenient coincidence of the ISIS crisis and declared it was sending a unit of non-existent Canadian Special Forces to help the Iraqi government.

 

“It was just a teeny-weeny little lie” said Canuck P.M. and schlockmeister, Stephen Harper.

We asked for an interview with Mr. Harper and were surprised he acceded to our request.  We met him at his office in Ottawa.  Accompanying this reporter was Ogden Orffe, MNS Howitzer Prize-winning reporter and photographer.

 

MNS:  Mr. Harper, how will you explain to your people this outrageous canard?

SH:  Many Canadians hunt for duck and geese each year. I don’t think I have to explain any canard to them.

MNS:  Well, the response is not exactly Noel Coward.

SH: Yeah, well keep going like this and we’ll see who’s the coward.  By the way, you’re German aren’t you?

MNS:  Austrian.

SH: Sure. I’ll bet. Eh? Eh? You all say that. Nicht schuldig! Right?

MNS:  Please, Mr. Harper.  Canadians believe their country is fighting alongside the beleaguered people of Iraq.  Won’t they be disappointed?

SH:  Canadians care only about beer, hockey and maple syrup.  Nobody is going to ask.  We did it for the Americans, really.  We don’t want the Yanks to think their neighbor to the North is just a bunch of sissified gentry.  By the way, would you like to try this delicious lilac scented tea?

MNS:  No! I would prefer coffee.

SH: You’re a bit of a butch. I like that.  Eh? Eh?

MNS:  So what are the hockey players going to do with the war going on in Iraq?

SH:  Gosh. When they’re taken hostage, we’ll make a decision.  I can’t imagine Arabs playing hockey frankly. We thought about the possibility of adapting hockey as a kind of polo with the Arabs riding camels, but, none of our players ever played polo or seen a camel outside the Toronto Zoo.

MNS:  Is this horrible lie going to continue to receive publicity in Canada?

SH: You’re darn tootin’.

 

We left Mr. Harper’s office most disappointedly.  His aides did see us off at the door and plied us with a dozen Tim Horton donuts.

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