“Dont’ let the facts get in the way of a good story”
‘Alloosh seen here after his conversion to Christianity. He is now known as Jean-Baptiste Al-Soori
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE REPORT AND INTERVIEW
Brunhilde Liebesbombe reporting from Aqaba, Jordan. Photography: Ogden Orffe
AQABA: In a stunning turn of events, Jaysh Al-Islam (Army of Islam) founder and leader, Zahraan ‘Alloosh, has declared himself a Reborn Christian and has abandoned all forms of terrorism. For days, people speculated that he was holed up in the sprawling farms in the Douma area of Damascus and that his days were numbered. Few knew that the elusive commander of thousands of fanatical Muslim terrorists trying to oust the sitting president would eventually wind up on the sunny beaches of this southern Jordanian resort town considered for centuries the Southern doorway to Syria.
Viewed by most as the scourge of Damascus, he preyed off empty homes left by terrified Syrian citizens who fled to neighboring Lebanon to avoid the rapine and savagery of his notorious armed bands of convicted felons and avowed child molesters. He trained hundreds of fellow Syrian convicts in the ways of “Jihad” to topple the Ba’ath Party and bring a reign of what he called: “True Backwardness. True Nihilism. True Islam”, to the country of his birth. He, himself, was a part of America’s super-secret Jordanian/Israeli plan to build an army in Jordan to attack Syria’s capital and evict Dr. Bashar Al-Assad and his ruling Ba’ath Party. Called by its super-classified name of “OPERATION DONUT HOLE”, it was eventually abandoned after American CIA contractors began to notice that the Syrian Army had an uncanny way of knowing exactly what everybody was up to.
Alloosh (a/k/a Zahran De Niro) is seen here in his Arabic-language portrayal of Travis Abu-Bickel in “Chauffeur Al-Taxi”. The story is about a taxi driver in Damascus who discovers Allah and proceeds to behead all “infidels and dervishes” at the local YMCA. The movie was described as “religious discovery; culture clash; romance with slasher themes”.
We encountered Mr. Alloosh while he was relaxing on his beach chair under the scorching Aqaba sun and asked him the following questions in English:
MNS: What a pleasure to meet you. Thank you giving us this interview.
ALLOOSH: May the peace and blessings of Christ be upon you and your cameraman. Kyria laisson. Ave Virgo, Plene Gratia. Deus Le Veult. You are welcome.
MNS: Your father is a religious man living in Saudi Arabia…..
ALLOOSH: My father is a heretic of the Wahhabist cult! He is a sinner!
MNS: Does he know about your conversion?
ALLOOSH: I sent him a rosary with an image of St. Simeon the Stylite on it. He pooh-poohed it.
MNS: What caused you to leave Islam and become a Christian.
ALLOOSH: The Mortadella made me do it.
MNS: Mortadella? Why, that’s an Italian lunch meat that tastes a lot like baloney.
ALLOOSH: Baloney, exactly. You see, during my days of violence, we used to occupy other peoples’ homes in the Ghouta. Once, we slept in this house owned by a Christian and discovered he had a refrigerator filled with food. Our American rations ran out. I opened a package and ate its contents. The word “mortadella” was written on it. I really liked it because it was so much better than the all-beef, halal, mortadella crap my father used to make us eat. It had pork in it. I renounced Islam the same night and asked one of my helpers to get me across into Jordan. It was like St. Paul’s epiphany.
MNS: But, everybody thought you were in Douma?
ALLOOSH: There were no full fridges in Douma. It’s a farm area. I had to leave.
MNS: How did the Americans react when they heard you were abandoning Jihad for a life of Christian piety?
ALLOOSH: They didn’t seem very happy. I expected more.
MNS: Your plans now?
ALLOOSH: Televangelism. I’ve been talking to that Palestinian huckster, Benny Hinn, and he’s interested in a joint venture. Like, you know, “Jews for Christ”. Now, it’ll be “Muslims for the Crucifixion”. Get it? Catchy, huh? We’ll get it nailed down. (Laughs uncontrollably) Get it? Get it?
Alloosh, n/k/a Jean Baptiste, horsing around with cameraman, Ogden Orffe, with terrorist leader, Abu ‘Umar Al-Shishaani, on the towel in the background asking for another Pina Colada.
MNS: Very catchy. I’m sure you’ll be quite successful.
ALLOOSH: Yeah. I hope I’ll be more successful than trying to enter Damascus.