Al-Bahra, seen here anxiously flashing his free lunch card attached to his lapel. He expects to have lunch at the “Lost Souls Cafeteria” in Newark, New Jersey, a CIA front. The man to his right has just been pick-pocketed by fellow opposition supremo, Ghassaan Abu-Fink.
The man’s biography speaks much of his successes: chief negotiator for THE NATIONAL COALITION OF SYRIAN REVOLUTION AND OPPOSITION FORCES (NACOSROF) at Geneva. Aaaaahhhhh. He ran hospitals in Saudi Arabia, the same hospitals responsible for spreading the MERS virus. A U.S.-trained industrial engineer who works on procuring adolescent boys for his Saudi patrons. A favorite of John Kerry – he runs a media and software company in a country like Saudi Arabia where they still think software is pornographic lingerie. With a record like that, how could NACOSROF go wrong? Right?
Although they say he was born in Damascus in 1959, he looks like he was born in Flatbush in 1919. “He is so boring, he makes rocks go to sleep”, or so says his former private secretary, Chi Chi Baaba-Oghlu. Known for a quiet manner – a manner so quiet, in fact, he competes with Lunesta, Sominex and Kessler Whiskey as one of America’s best soporifics or sleep aids – he is said to be impervious to any effort to engage him in robust conversation, preferring to sip on lukewarm Matta or playing tick-tack-toe in front of a mirror while wearing an oversized Lily St. Cyr teddy bear. He is not expected to excite the masses – much less the zealots in ISIS or Nusra.
Like Ghassan Hitto, (a/k/a Ghassaan Shitto) former president of the NACOSROF, he would not recognize Syria even if he were deposited in his former family home. He has spent his entire life away from Syria avoiding debts and the draft; in the United States studying to be an Industrial Engineer or in the Kingdom of Simian Arabia managing zoos, hospitals and lingerie parlors. His entire education was paid for by the Syrian government, a fact he conveniently ignores whenever he is asked to repay any stipends.
He won the electrically-charged elections in Istanbul by garnering 62 votes to his closest competitor’s (Muwaffaq Nayrabiyya’s) mere 41. The also-ran, Waleed Al-‘Umari, stunned the civilized world by receiving 3 votes, one from Captain Kangaroo (a/k/a George Sabra), a second from John Kerry and a third from Robert Ford. (All sympathy votes)
Here’s the American and Saudi plan: use Al-Bahra to negotiate a transitional government with Assad as a powerless titular head and then try him for crimes against humanity. Very clever. Failing that, it is the American plan to drop the entire NACOSROF organization inside Mt. Erebus in Antarctica.
All observers agree that he cannot do anything or affect anything. The French are supportive of restarting the Geneva talks meant to undo the results of the recent presidential elections. You know what that means when the French support anything. Russia, Iran and Syria have already started yawning. So has SyrPer.