“Hey. Hey. Hey. Why can’t we all be friends?” asks Turkey’s resident clunker and President, Abdullah Gul. “So, what’s a massacre here or there between us?”
Each year, the Board of Governors of SyrPer, in consultation with readers and fans all over the world, selects one individual whose work strengthens, enables and facilitates the difficult task of destroying the Syrian government’s enemies. In 2011, the award was given to ROBERT FORD, the now discarded, disgraced, dysfunctional and dismal former ambassador to the Syrian Arab Republic who single-handedly outed hundreds of traitors by merely visiting them in their homes and listening to their Calvinistic tales of travail and woe. The next year, we awarded the Egon Krenz/Markus Wolf award to German BND intelligence supremo, Gerhard Schindler for his work in cementing the link between German slapstick and Syrian tragedy by sending his Shpionschiffe, “Der Boblo” to Syria’s shores. And then, in 2013, we gave it to French bumbler, and Clouseau wannabe, Le Directeur of Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, Erard Corbin de Mangoux for sending a team of French knuckleheads to northern Lebanon in Oscar Mayer Wiener Trucks.
But, now, the voting is in and its unanimous: THE WINNER IS, HAKAN FIDAN OF THE ERDOGHAN REPUBLIC OF TURKEYS!!!
It’s not easy being a top spy whose every conversation is recorded by specially engineered flies capable of attaching themselves to crevices in walls where big plans are being hatched to commit really heinous war crimes. It’s even harder to explain how such plans can sound so ridiculous when uttered in the company of malicious, sterile dwarfs like Davutoghlu whose own love for Turkey’s heritage doesn’t stop him from promoting a plot to vaporize the tomb of the grandfather of the Ottoman Empire’s founder. Boo hoo hoo. “We gotta attack now!”, he screams in his patented falsetto voice impersonating his master, Erdoghan.
Hakan Fidan, whose very name causes cringing in Turkey’s homes and streets. Hakan Fidan, the All-Seeing Eye. Hakan Fidan, the can-do super-duper-pooper spy par excellence. Hakan Fidan, the Loose-Lipped Ship-Sinking ultramaroon who personally put the kibosh on Erdoghan’s plan to introduce WWIII. How many spies can do that?
Lt. Gen. Ali Mamlouk, President Assad’s national security adviser and former head of G.S., who viewed Robert Ford, as the greatest asset the Syrian General Security Directorate ever had, was asked how he felt about Hakan Fidan’s award. The general was quick to say:
“Yes. It is proper. Although I protested Ford’s retirement or dismissal, because we have so much more work to do to eradicate traitors, Fidan is also doing his best to help us. His orders to Salafist rats in Aleppo to leave will be appreciated very much by the people, especially. Give him my compliments.”
SyrPer made an attempt to contact MIT (not the university) to congratulate Mr. Fidan on his new award but were told by his aides that he was not “in the mood”. When at the door of his super-secret office which we managed to enter by bribing a guard with Chiclets gum, our photographer, Ogden Orffe, on loan from Mercury News Service, took a photo of the great director at work and sends it now to us:
Mr. Fidan’s gift will include a Janus-like trophy with the images of both Egon Krenz and Markus Wolf. He will, also, receive this specially designed fly-swatter for those pesky little microphones which do so much damage to mankind’s most elegant fantasies.
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive”.
NEWS AND COMMENT:
Shin sends this very enlightening video about those things that come around after they go around:
WILE E. COYOTE MOMENTS: (Thanks, GR89) Their last words were: “It’s coming at us”. Heh. Heh. Heh.
Maria Engstrom sends this absolutely hilarious one which will remind some of you of another similar incident in Der’ah: