SYRIAN MILITARY AND OFFICE OF TOURISM OFFERING TERRORISTS A NEW KIND OF ADVENTURE TO PARADISE: HEAVEN CAN’T WAIT!!
So many young men from the Islamic World are coming to Syria in order to reserve a place in Paradise. They go to great lengths to accomplish their goals: they undergo boring training in south Turkey, Aqaba, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and desolate parts of Iraq; they snipe at innocent civilians in an effort to attract “the shot” that will catapult them into Heaven itself; they drive bomb-rigged trucks that detonate sometimes in crowded civilian areas; they attack Syrian army checkpoints in a futile effort to dislodge professional soldiers. And all this to enter Heaven! What a pain!
The government of Syria is proud to announce a new program which will do away with the traditional “Jihad” practiced by so many impressionable young men. Now, for the first time in modern Syrian history, the Syrian army and Ministry of Tourism are facilitating a new concept of Jihad; a quick and painless way to enter Eden with no muss or fuss; no splattered entrails or mismatched heads on cadavers. Yes, that’s right, a guaranteed entry into the afterlife without any more drudgery. Only the Syrian Army and security services are authorized to make this offer.
Tired of empty promises? Does your local cleric, witch doctor, shaykh, imam or daa’iya keep mumbling the same mumbo-jumbo? “Go and make war and die in a Jihad! For Allah loves senseless slaughter!” How can you trust shaman’s like that? Just call 011-086-115-768 and you will be in touch with the Syrian Department of Metaphysical Travel in Damascus. You and a loved one, a friend, a cohort, a catamite, a confidant or anyone planning to make the ultimate trip with you can now reserve a place in Heaven. Just make that call and have your credit card ready. A friendly male operator will be there to answer all your questions and give you the instructions you need to enter the Land of the Rivers where the water tastes of Nectar; where 72 Virginians await you. This is the chance of a lifetime.
This is the angel Layla waiting for all our Saudi and Qatari perverts. Here, in Paradise, no vice cops are around. You don’t have to bear your burden with such agony. It’s okay up there. You’re okay up there! The Syrian government assures you that no “mutaawa’ah” will interrupt your concupiscent, licentious forays into a world about which you could only dream.
Just make that call and you will be directed to travel to one of these border crossings: (Lebanon): Masna’ or Al-‘Abbaasiyya. Please do not try to cross at ‘Arsaal or Wadi Khaled because although our border police and SAA sharpshooters are very good, we cannot honor any warranties that your voyage will be completed. (Jordan): Al-Ramtha, (Turkey) no good entry points, (Iraq): not recommended. Customers will be informed as to any changes in the status of countries like Turkey or Iraq.
Just present yourself at a legal entry point and show the friendly border police your chit which will be issued to you once the credit card payment has been cleared. That magical chit is your passport to an eternity in the New World. I’ll bet you can’t wait to try our new program!
The Syrian Army is now prepared to receive you at any of the above-mentioned checkpoints. No visas or other bothersome procedures required. Just say the magic words: “I want to go to a Jihadi’s Paradise”. At that point in time, without any embarrassing paperwork or questioning, one of our trained professionals will send you straight to your destination. It only takes a moment for an eternity of Bliss! How can you go wrong?
Just one of our hundreds of trained experts shows the way to Paradise. Captain ‘Abbood Nakeer sends you off to a veritable Eden of Wonder only for the price of a trip to Lebanon and $1.75 for our specially manufactured dum-dum bullet.
Come one, come all! We don’t discriminate. Filipinos, Ugandans, Kazakhs and Saudis are one in Islam; just like the pilgrimage! We guarantee you fair and impartial treatment, just like Allah. And when you fly off to that Never Never Land, you will know that all other fellow Jihadis are following you without regard to race, creed, color, gender or level of ignorance. Equal in the eyes of Allah. لا فضل لعربي على اعجمي الا بالحماقة Heh, heh.
Now you might wonder what will happen to your body after your soul departs on its Fantastic Voyage to the unknown Wonderland of Heaven. Not to worry. Our President, Dr. Bashar Al-Assad, a trained opthamologist surgeon, has initiated a new program to educate thousands of Syrian physicians in anatomy. Your carcass will never go to waste. And we promise you will never be given to cannibals.
BUT IF YOU CALL BETWEEN OCTOBER 28, 2013 AND NOVEMBER 10, 2013, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR TRIP TO HEAVEN ABSOLUTELY FREE! THAT’S RIGHT, SYRIA WILL PAY THE PRICE OF THE BULLET. (This will not apply, however, to charter groups requiring thermobaric bombs)
FREE! FREE! FOR YOU AND YOUR COMPANION. Bring your children if you must. All children under the age of 18 will be wards of the Syrian government and shall be educated in a Ba’ath Party Camp so they can become “Shabeebas”. What an incredible offer. CALL NOW WHILE BULLETS AND ORDNANCE ARE AVAILABLE.
TESTIMONIALS: Unfortunately, due to the rather unusual nature of the trip, it has been impossible to reach many of our blessed travelers. We can only provide you with testimonials obtained during seances and the like:
“He (‘Abu Saffaah) said he was very pleased and felt right at home. He said it was very warm. We assumed that meant that Heaven was tropical. He wanted all his relatives to join him. There did not seem to be much enthusiasm for that, unfortunately.” Madam Zora Kleinstork, ESP expert and seance programmer.
A TRIP OF A LIFETIME. A ONCE IN A LIFETIME TRIP. LITERALLY. COME NOW AND DO IT. AVOID THE MESSY SCENES SO ATTENDANT TO SUICIDE BOMBINGS AND ATTACKS ON CHECKPOINTS.
Disclaimer: The Syrian Government, Ministry of Defense, Ministry of Tourism and all branches of the Syrian government expressly deny any liability for any mishap as a consequence of this program. The Syrian government furthermore specifically clothes itself in governmental immunity for all lapses, errors, mistakes and every form of snafu that is associated with the act of travel to another dimension of existence. Moreover, the Syrian government does not warranty that the trip will get the traveler to any particular place. The traveler must be warned that many believe that our guests will be voyaging to someplace utterly distinct from Paradise. The Syrian government accepts no responsibility for such a miscalculation.