He was touted by the British press as “intellectual”, “trusted”, “respected” and “capable”. What they didn’t tell you was that in a parallel universe, (ours), he was “high”, “hated”, “haughty” and “full of hooey”. He also was a favorite of the Muslim Brotherhood. His leadership of the doomed Syrian National Council (SNC) lasted long enough for some legalistic buffoon to demand his resignation after he served a mere 2 months. Ghalioun now spends most of his time buying Captagon for “you know who”. He is called the “Syrian Connection”. He was released recently from the Parisian Institute Larouche Pour Les Coocoos.
2. GHASSAN SHITTO. (a/k/a Ghassan Hitto). KURDISH/TEXAN/SYRIAN POOP-PEDDLER, he was the favorite of Qatar’s Madame Banana and her en bon point and bon vivant Prize Swine, Prince Fatso.
Having left Syria when he was 20 years old to avoid the draft, Shitto has no recollection of either his birthplace Damascus or Arabic. What he speaks is Kurd-inflected Texan drawl which he uses to impress his cowboyish customers. They fondly call him “Gus Shitto”. He now resides in Istanbul having made the mistake of thinking he was long for the opposition. Today, his Turkish hosts are trying to find a way to rid themselves of this officious pest who insists on being called “Mr. Prime Minister”. Despite Turkish efforts to move Mr. Shitto to more appropriate quarters, he has tied himself to the bathroom’s main pipe at the Safia Sultan Motel and Bathouse where he can be heard screaming: “Sanctuary!” “Sanctuary!”
Last year, while he was still the reigning head of the National Coalition of Syrian Revolution and Overripe Figs (NACOSROF), he was stopped at Heathrow in London and questioned like any visitor. He waxed wroth and castigated the rude officials claiming he was exempt from such interrogation by virtue of his being Prime Minister of the Syrian Arab Republic. Sadly, when Mr. Shitto could produce nothing but an ordinary American passport to buttress his sham representation, his claims for diplomatic immunity went the route of Guy Fawkes.
3. GEORGE “CAPTAIN KANGAROO” SABRA (a/k/a Zabra): Taught by his CIA handlers to look stern, Sabra did not need any such advice having honed his skills at looking menacing by adopting Stalininst policies all of his life, a guilty leer that often landed him in the Mazza Prison in Damascus or the more luxurious ‘Adraa Prison where he wrote his legendary masterwork: “CAPTAIN KANGAROO’S MICHELIN GUIDE TO THE SYRIAN CORRECTIONAL SYSTEM”.
Like his colleague, Shitto, Sabra suffers from a condition called “Eternal Elephantine Encephalitis” which makes him look bigger than he really is. Here he can be seen snarling at the cameras to give the impression of imperiousness. In truth, he was a host for a children’s program in Damascus between numerous stints in prison.
Sabra is known to have no friends. His communistic beliefs often compelling him to blurt out completely inappropriate tirades about the guilt of Trotsky (“That slimy little Jew!”) and the need to “wipe out” Zinoviev, Sabra left no stone unturned in offending everyone including his prepubescent audience which he regularly buggered as part of a ritual he claimed would cleanse the soul and liberate children from the “chains of their own bourgeois innocence.” He is the North American Boy Lovers’ Association Man of the Year.
Sabra cannot be found today. Some say he lives under a big bench near the Bosphorus and only comes out to steal Rakisi bottles at night. Others say he lives in Paris where he entertains Francois Hollande with his impersonations of Generals DeGaulle, Assad and Von Runstedt.
4. AHMAD MU’AADH AL-KHATEEB AL-HASSANI: Now Canada’s most popular Sex-Jihad radio host, Al-Khateeb has mesmerized thousands of Muslim women around the world into giving themselves over to “Allah’s Massage Parlour in Heaven”. No ordinary Svengali, Al-Khateeb brings with him “Sublime Holiness and the Sacrosanctity of Jihadist Pimpery” with what he smugly calls “my too too too Islamic hippiness”.
Al-Khateeb impressed Robert Ford with his religious credentials and had the entire Western press, especially the feckless BBC, touting his qualifications for leadership of the Syrian Arab Republic. He was thought of and presented as “moderate”, “intelligent”, “capable of bridging gaps between Amish and Gays”, “resourceful” and was in the words of the Dallas Mirror a “slim customer”. As the story turned out, this head of the National Coalition of Syrian Revolution and Obnoxious Featherfarmers (NACOSROF) was resourceful at doing one thing only: cadging plane tickets to his favorite leather bar in Bangkok.
Islamist sex advisor on his radio program in Montreal, “JUMBO JIHADI JOOBAABA”. Here he fields a question about extremist Wahhabist private beliefs and public French immorality. He preferred the latter.
Al-Khatib divides his time today with subtle curses directed at Dr. Bashar Al-Assad and defiling innocent Muslim women driven to insanity by the need to become Canadian landed immigrants. He has married over 2,300 women so far and plays cat-and-mouse with the Canadian morals police. He is wanted in Saskatchewan for “Recidivist Bigamy”.
5. AHMAD JARBAA. Unwilling to bathe with soap and water out of fear “I will smell differently”, this bedouin scion of a flea-bitten tribe of highwaymen, thugs and slave traders, (Shammar), now sits atop the pecking order of exile ignobility having ducked his arrest warrant for pimping in Syria’s Al-Raqqa City. Beloved in Saudi Arabia because of King Abduallah the Zombie’s own mother’s Shammari lineage, he receives weekly checks from Prince Bandar to insure his somewhat questionable fealty. Jarbaa’s own politics are murky; he claims no connection to the Muslim Brotherhood (a Saudi sine qua non) yet competes with them in reactionary ideas after his recent embracing of Wahhabism.
Golly! Doesn’t he look presidential? Jarbaa is seen here dressing down one of his girls in Al-Raqqa for holding out on the “Grand Pimp”.
It is said that Jarbaa is not long for this job. Observers detect he is uncomfortable fielding questions from reporters about his eccentric business background. He is also known to resent Christians among the ranks of the NATIONAL COALITION OF SYRIAN REVOLUTION AND OBSEQUIOUS FORNICATORS (NACOSROF) declaring them “unclean”, “unwholesome” and “perfumy”. His recent visit to his native Syria to inspect FSA troops near the Turkish border was a disaster, according to some companions, who said that he lowered morale by 500% when members of the break-away gang of killers he was there to inspire realized their movement was headed by a “country bumpkin” and “promiscuous hillbilly”.
Jarbaa has been in contact with Ahmad Mu’adh Al-Khateeb in order to possibly establish Canada’s first “Jihadist Cathouse and Korean Massage Parlour” in Montreal and Toronto. It sounds like a winner.
SYRIAN PERSPECTIVE ALSO ANNOUNCES THE NOMINATION OF THE NEXT HEAD OF NACOSROF TO SUCCEED AHMAD JARBAA. HE IS KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS THE EPITOME OF IDIOCY AND WILL ASSUME THE DUTIES OF OFFICE IN A MANNER COMPLETELY CONSISTENT WITH THE DIGNITY OF HIS PREDECESSORS:
ALFRED “ABDO” NEWMAN, SEEN HERE IN DRAG, HAVING EVADED SYRIAN BORDER GUARDS IN ORDER TO HELP LIBERATE SYRIA FROM A SECULAR GOVERNMENT AND A SUCCESSFUL ECONOMIC RESURGENCE. WE LOOK FORWARD TO HIS ASCENT TO THE HALLOWED POST OF CHAIRMAN OF THE NATIONAL COALITION OF SYRIAN REVOLUTION AND OBLONG FRITFLIES.