THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT ACCORDING TO ROBERT FORD
IN THE BEGINNING, Y.H.O.O. created the Heavens, Langley Virginia, Spooks and Arabian brown-nosing anteaters, and all other verminous flies hovering over Levantine compost heaps. AND SO IT CAME TO PASS, that Y.H.O.O. also created Robert Ford to act as His apostle on earth; to cast out angels; to welcome demons; and to rule over all that which was mephitic, vomitous and foul so that man would know the difference between feast and famine, fish and fowl, frog and foobah and frisbee and fritters. The Lord spake: “And you, Ford, shall be the most beloved Angel of Light, cast out from Paradise to seek your succour in the sewers of the suppurating sacs of Saudi simian stupefaction.” And so it was and so it shall be, in saecula saeculorum.
“But, Oh Lord, will I be worthy of the tasks you have set out for me? Will I be sufficiently awkward and clumsy to carry out your purpose?”
And the Lord respondeth: “Yea, whilst ye may doubt my resolve, yet, ye shall be made even more clumsy and awkward to ensure no mortal being might avert your eyes from the cynosure of your life.”
And therewith, thereat and thereupon, the Lord of Hosts, the Hostess with the Mostess, the Host of Jeopardy, blew from out his flared nostrils a wind so powerful it caused the clouds to gather into one tumescent black mist from which descended torrents of rain upon the parched earth and covered it with a salt sea of slime. Ford stared up at the Heavens: “But, Oh Lord, what shalt we do now with all this moisture?”
Whereat, the Lord spake again: “Ye shall make an ark which shall ye and all your minions sail until the waters of this deluge ebb. Thou must take every hyena, jackal, rodent, snake, hog, cockroach and fly,…and all the base creatures of this earth upon your ark, without exception, including all Arabians, Libyans and Wahhabites, Hanbalites, Salafites, Takfeerites and Troglodytes. Once at sea, you must make certain to separate them, one from the other, especially the Arabians, for they are a willful race capable of interbreeding with monkeys and rats. Such activity is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.”
And so Ford, with his army of Spooks, set about building the Ark whilst others made bold with every foul creature in the earth and sea to complete God’s plan. And when it was all complete, Ford looked about the Ark and spake: “It is good! Now, don’t forget the insect repellent.”
The Lord spake once again: “And your Ark will alight upon the summit of Mt. Ara-Rat and thence your vermin to all corners of the earth disseminate, especially Syria.”
For forty days and forty fortnights (or something like that), the Ark floated aimlessly upon the surface of the sea until there came a sound, a thud!, a pounding of tectonic measure, a Minoan cacophony born only of a roiling inferno beneath the earth. Thus, the Ark came to rest upon the summit of Ara-Rat
from whence all Ford’s foul creatures, including the Arabians, dispersed throughout the earth, but mostly to Syria.
After such long nights amidst the foulness, the creepiness and ghoulishness of such an Ark, Ford espied in the waters of a brook and upon his visage a plague of boils all verging on explosion. “Oh Lord, may I have a lancet with which to pierce these hideous eructations?”
But the Lord warned: “Nay!! Ye must be patient! I have known since the beginning of time that you would bear the mark of Acne to carry out my plan. And so it shall be forever and ever.”
But Ford became obstinate, nay, arrogant, and practiced hubris before the eyes of the Lord: “But, if I may ask, Oh Deity, what in God’s name do pimples and boils have to do with accomplishing your purpose?”
And then the Lord of Lords waxed wroth and breathed out fire like an angry dragon: “You dare to question the wisdom of the Host of Hosts? The Host with the Most? The Comptroller of the Controls? Can’t you see that it is in your defacement that my ends can be made complete. For it is with your ugliness that ye shall slay all the Canaanites and all the Canaanitish women of Syria, that is, until …….the Day of Follywolly.”
And thus spake the Lord to his apostle, the bepimpled, beboiled, befuddled, beslubbered, Robert Ford. And ye all shall know the rest in Part Two of this new Genesis.