With the borders between Lebanon and Syria and Jordan and Syria heating up with the Syrian government feeling strong enough to now challenge the policies of neighboring countries like Lebanon and Jordan, Mercury News Service journalist and award-winning investigative reporter, Brunhilde Liebesbombe, sat down with Lebanese President Michel Sulayman at the Presidential Palace in Ba’abda and asked him some questions about the situation.
The President of Lebanon always puts on his military uniform when interviewed by the ladies. Here, he sizes up our reporter, Brunhilde, as he prepares to field questions.
MNS: Mr. President, thank you for making time to meet with us here in your beautiful palace.
PRES.: You know I’m not prepared to answer any difficult questions today. You are a nice looking young woman. Has anyone shown you Beirut?
MNS: Oh, gee, Mr. President, the answer is “yes”. I’ve been to Beirut many times before.
PRES: But it’s so different when the head of the country is guiding you around in a Mercedes with all those bodyguards around. You’ll like it.
MNS: Uh, that’s okay. Can I ask you how your government allowed 18 French terrorist trainers and handlers to pass through Beirut Airport and drive off into Northern Lebanon without anyone asking any questions?
PRES: Are those the spies who left the airport in the Oscar Mayer Wiener cars?
MNS: I’m afraid so.
PRES: Well that Wissam Al-Hassan! I was very upset. Are they still there?
PRES: I’ll contact Sarkozy tomorrow and get them to leave. Now, how about that tour of Beirut?
MNS: I believe Mr. Sarkozy is no longer the president of France. It’s Hollande.
PRES: Whoever it is. They’ll know I’m very angry about this. What are they doing up there anyway?
MNS: It’s said they are helping the Syrian and foreign terrorists to attack Syria from Lebanese territory.
PRES: That’s an outrage! Would you like to drive up there with me to Arsal and get the French out?
MNS: Well, yes, of course, that would be a great story.
PRES: Let’s see how this interview goes and then we’ll have lunch. And, then, who knows!
This Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile was used to spirit the French spy team from the Beirut International Airport. Its stealthy design was meant to confuse Lebanese security agents.
MNS: Are you planning to use Lebanese troops to dislodge the terrorists from North Lebanon?
PRES: I don’t think the Americans want that. The Saudis would be upset and would pull all their money out of our banks. So would the Qataris. Then, the Germans would stop sending tourists. And the French would cancel my health insurance. No. Won’t work. Then we’d lose all our Sri Lankan maids.
MNS: So, what is all the talk about the “policy of disassociation”?
PRES: Did I say that?
PRES: Have you ever tried a glass of Arak? Very good. Just like Pernod.
MNS: Mr. President, please! (Brunhilde removes his hand from her bodice) What about sending troops to the North to prevent infiltration?
PRES: Oh, we can’t do that really. Our army is still on furlough.
MNS: You mean, it’s all just talk?
PRES: That’s Lebanon. Would you like to suck my thumb?
The entire Lebanese Army is seen here in these photos. It includes one Eagle Scout and a den mother in drag.
PRES: But, it’s such a nice thumb. Tee hee hee.
MNS: So, is it fair to say that you won’t do anything?
PRES: Oh, “anything” is such an interesting word! Let’s have lunch.
Brunhilde then flew directly to Amman where she met His Royal Highness, King Abdallah Ibn Hussein Zawj Antoinette Avril Gardiner Wife of Tom Thumb Tyrant the Hashemite, where she conducted her interview in Raghadan Palace. The good king sat on a bar stool.
MNS: You Highness, it’s so kind of you to meet with us.
HRH: It’s kind of you to say I’m kind,…. kind of. I’m very busy today. There’s a Star Trek Convention at the Philadelphia Hotel. I’m going as Mr. Chekov. Would you like to join me?
MNS: I can’t, your HH. I have an appointment with President Sulayman in North Lebanon.
HRH: Bad place. Too many Syrians. Just like the Za’tari Camp here. We have to get rid of these pests. First it was the Palestinians. Then, the Iraqis. Now, it’s the Syrians. What’s next?…..Hashemite Klingons?
MNS: There was a time when you seemed to be on the same page as Dr. Assad. You closed your border to Syrian insurgents. Now, it is said that you are turning a blind eye to American-trained terrorists. What’s going on?
HRH: Very simple. When they’re trained by Americans, they’re not terrorists. They’re freedom fighters. Just like Afghanistan.
MNS: But, the U.S. wound up training and arming Al-Qaeda!
HRH: Not here. The Americans are actually training Assad’s spies. They just don’t know it.
MNS: Do you mean…..
HRH: Yes. It all sounds so silly. Almost 60% of the Syrian population works for the intelligence services. So you go figure.
MNS: Are the Americans so stupid?
HRH: Stupid is as stupid does. Yeah, they’re pretty stupid. We got the better end of the stick, though. The Saudis are paying me to let the Americans train Assad’s spies. They’re even stupider.
MNS: How do you feel about the rumor going around that the U.S. is planning to overthrow you and set up a Palestinian state?
HRH: I’ve been talking about that with Mahmoud Abbas. He’s agreed to have me as a Constitutional Monarch. That way I can represent Palestinians at cricket matches.
MNS: What about Gaza?
HRH: I don’t really care. It can apply for membership in the EU, just like Turkey. Oh, gee whiz. I’m late for the convention….
King Abdallah II saw Brunhilde off as she left for King Hussein Bin Talal International Airport. He attended his Star Trek Convention.
MNS: But, wait, Your Royal Highness! One more question.
MNS: Your Highness. Where are you?
HRH: I’m right here under your skirt.
MNS: Mein Gott! You are short.
HRH: Would you mind picking me up and putting me back on the stool?