In a stunning turn of events, Syrian Perspective has been able to obtain the list of suspected indictable war criminals in Syria. The list was obtained from a source inside the office of Carla del Ponte, Chief Investigator for the U.N. on matters concerning the Syrian conflict. As background, we provide our readers with the legal bases for the charges as taken from Michael Ratner:
CRIMES AGAINST PEACE (from the Charter of the U.N., the Nuremberg Charter and the Kellogg-Briand Pact): This includes planning, preparation or initiation of a war of aggression.
CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY: These are crimes against civilians and soldiers. These will include the killing of civilian non-combatants, indiscriminate bombing, the use of certain types of weapons, killing of defenseless soldiers, ill-treatment of POWs and attacks on non-military targets.
Here is the first named war criminal:
Prince Hamad Bin Khalifah, Husband of Madame Banana, (seen here on the right), is the first war criminal in the indictment to be announced by the United Nations Office of the Chief Investigator.
Prince Hamad, a/k/a Prince Fatso, a/k/a Prince Pedophile, a/k/a Prince Drum son of Double Drum Husband of Madame Banana of the Second Rate Tribe, is charged with waging a war of aggression against Syria by his arming terrorist organizations for the purpose of overthrowing a legitimate government of a sovereign member state of the U.N.
He is also charged with Crimes Against Humanity because his arming terrorists has resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians and soldiers.
RECOMMENDED SENTENCE: DEATH BY PRESTO PRESSURE COOKER!
Here is the second war criminal:
King Abdullah Ibn Abdul-Aziz of Saudi Arabia. While it is certain he will raise the defense of diminished capacity or insanity due to his age and failing health, he is a prime candidate for the following sentence:
SENTENCE RECOMMENDATION: Mummification and burial 40 feet deep in the Rub’ Al-Khali Desert in a sarcophagus made of camel dung.
The 3rd Indictable War Criminal: SAUDI FOREIGN MATTER: SAUD AL-FAISAL
Prince Saud Al-Faisal, Saudi F.M., seen here being fed by co-conspirator, Recep Tayyip Erdoghan, will probably raise the defense of incompetence (quite believable, really) as he stutters, mutters, stumbles, bumbles, flutters, crumbles, utters, trembles and fumbles his way through his trial.
SENTENCE RECOMMENDATION: Life at Spandau Prison listening to his own speeches.
Fourth War Criminal:
RECEP TAYYIP ERDOGHAN, PRIME MINISTER OF TURKEY:
U.N. prosecutors are anticipating Erdoghan’s use of the “incompetence defense”. Erdoghan, seen here last month receiving his first high school diploma through the Special Education Program designed just for him. It was obtained from the Tammy Faye Baker Memorial High School GED Program on Fire Island, New York. Mr. Erdoghan does not speak English.
SENTENCE RECOMMENDATION: Death by bastinado.
Fifth War Criminal: NICOLAS SARKOZY, former President of the French Republic:
Another expected insanity defense. Mr. Sarkozy has been perfecting his performance before the International Court. His lawyer has given notice that Mr. Sarkozy now wants President Assad to lead France out of its economic doldrums.
SENTENCE RECOMMENDATION: Must live the rest of his life with Brigitte Bardot.
Sixth War Criminal: FRANCOIS HOLLANDE, Present President of France:
It’s amazing how people who are about to be indicted for war crimes start to act as though they are insane. Here, after breakfasting with Jacques Chirac at the Saad Hariri apartment in Paris, Mr. Hollande dutifully put on his best “Visage Comique” for the press corps.
SENTENCE RECOMMENDATION: Parboiled with parsely and served up as so much potatoes.
Seventh War Criminal:
DAVID CAMERON, Prime Minister of the U.K AND 2012 NOMINEE FOR WAR CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR.:
Mr. Cameron seen here asking U.N. Secretary General and SyrPer’s WAR CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR FOR 2012, BAN KI MOON, if he can go the “boy’s room”. Mr. Cameron too has been perfecting his “insanity defense” with the help of American/Canadian comic, Jim Carrey. It won’t work.
RECOMMENDED SENTENCE: Spandau Prison for life and diet of British food only – no Indian cooking.
Eighth War Criminal:
ANGELA MERKEL, (a/k/a Frau Kartoffeln, Die Hundin vom Teufel) Chancellor of the German Federal Republic.
Prosecutors note that Germans are not good liars and that Ms. Merkel’s efforts to feign insanity will fall by the wayside. She is seen here practicing for her arraignment at the Hague.
She is charged with sending boats to the Turkish coast to monitor Syrian Army communications while directing terrorists in the business of killing Syrian civilians and trying to overthrow a sovereign government.
RECOMMENDED SENTENCE: Spandau Prison for life with endless recordings of Englebert Humperdinck (the Englishman songster).
Ninth War Criminal:
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, President of the United States of America
“Yowza! Yowza! Hey I dunno where dat Syria is Boss!” Prosecutors have received letters from the American Solicitor General denouncing the World Criminal Court as a “sham” and “horsefeathers”. He also claims that Mr. Obama is “non compos mentis”
RECOMMENDED SENTENCE: Guantanamo Prison for Life with Khaled Sheikh Mohammed.