Kapitan Ernst Schumuddel has been saved from certain death when the Syrian-flagged frigate, Miss Falafel, met up with the German Shpionboot, A-53, also called the Graf Von Gimpel and “Boblo Boat”. It’s cargo? 30,000 gallons of Al-Sharq beer brewed in war-torn Aleppo and 20,000 gallons of Barada Beer from Damscus. And its arrival was none too soon for the imperiled captain of this high-tech maritime wonder of German engineering.
Erstseefraulein, Helga Darmspritze, salutes Herr Kapitan Ernst Schmuddel as the noose is placed around his neck. “He deserves to die for taking our beer away. And then, he told us we could not eat any more Steak Tartare because it’s raw!”
The Syrian frigate unloaded its precious cargo amidst savage denunciations from Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdoghan. He decried the delivery of “unholy drink” to “infidel sailors off our coast”. The Turkish government called in the German ambassador to Ankara for a dressing-down and threatened a “cooling of relations” between the two former allies. Germany, for its part, lauded the intervention of Syrian authorities, calling it “constructive”, “creative” and “in good taste”. Angela Merkel was so delighted with the event that she softened her Assad-baiting and drank a toast during a visit to the southern town of Bernkastel.
The German Chancellor raises a toast to President Assad in Bernkastel. The beer is Al-Sharq which she described as “adequate despite the Dutch recipe”. She promised a new page in German-Syrian relations, calling P.M. Erdoghan “…humorless, stodgy turd…I mean, Turk.”
Guido Westerwelle, Germany’s F.M., indicated that his country might withdraw the Graf Von Gimpel in light of Syria’s “positive intervention”. That comment, made at a news conference in the Hague, caused a big stir in Damascus where Dr. Faisal Miqdad sent a message through the Algerian Embassy demanding that the boat remain where it is and “continue to help Syrian forces to crush the terrorists from Turkey and Lebanon”. This comment by Dr. Miqdad was received with some measure of astonishment in Berlin. MNS will try to unearth the reasons why the Syrians want Germany to continue spying and relaying Intel to the FSA and its Islamist allies.
Kapitan Schmuddel has reportedly been released on condition he renounce “Pentecostalism” and his “crackpottish German Wahhabism”. He has done this. According to our photographer hiding on the Graf Von Gimpel, the captain hoisted a few Syrian beers and condemned what he called “....unteutonische fremden Missiongesellschaften”. He promised to increase each sailors ration of “Braunschweiger und Bier”!.
Herr Kapitan Schuddel demonstrates his new loyalties by sloughing off old religious prohibitions and scarfing down a litre of Syrian beer courtesy of Dr. Assad.
For now it appears the captain has regained his command and some measure of loyalty from the rather besotted crew. First Seaman Horst Pferdarsch was adamant, however, and said that he needs “more commitment from the captain such as a a case of Asbach Uralt brandy.” Reports are that the Syrian government has begun to distill brandy in the town of Mhardeh as a stop-gap measure. We’ll keep you informed, as always.