(New York, Celia Bimbatt and Jeroen Maltschwindler reporting exclusive to MNS)
“This is the darkest day for the toy industry in the history of man.” Says Dorff Aschenhutt of Fattel Toy Industries, Inc. “We entered into a bad contract with a bad actor. His image was not cute. He was universally viewed by children as a cruel, misshapen, hideous dwarf.” And so the story goes. Fattel Toys, one of the world’s most beloved manufacturer of products for children is filing for Chapter 7 total liquidation bankruptcy at the Federal Court in Manhattan tomorrow. Fattel attorneys, Schkuda, Schmaltzburg and Wieselstein, refused comment.
“More money was spent on that idiot Turk than any by the Austro-Hungarian Empire”, said Vermillion Washington, Chief of Marketing for Fattel. “What persuaded us to invest in this fiasco is impossible now to understand. The whole Board of Directors must have been on airplane glue.”
Not even a re-market strategy could save the “Ugly-Ogloo Doll” from its humiliating demise. Desperate efforts to corner the “Neo-Nazi” and “Skinhead” market in Europe collapsed as children refused to play with the mustachioed version with one child describing the image as “really gross. We used to stick it up our dog’s butt when it wouldn’t sit.”
In Canada, where the doll was sold under the name “Ugly-Igloo”, Inuit children were seen trying to gouge its eyes out or melt it for heat. Head of the Inuit Yukon Chamber of Commerce, Fred Qarshaqootluq, is filing a class action suit to force the Turkish government to “cough up the C$30,000 Canadian dollars kids spent on this disgusting gargoyle.”
The source of the image is Turkish Foreign Minister Ahmet Davutoglu who said in Hurriyet Newspaper that “This is almost as disappointing as our war in Syria. Am I really an ugly midget?”
We’re afraid so Mr. F.M.
COSTCO RIDING HIGH ON WAVE OF ADULATION AFTER CITE FOR “BEST RESTAURANT OF 2012” IN SYRIAN PERSPECTIVE BLOGSPOT! COSTCO REPORTS ONLY HUGE RISE IN MEMBERSHIP WITH PUZZLING NON-GROWTH IN SALES!
Chief of National Operations, Mignon Pottsgimmel, was astounded by the sudden increase in membership requests after a blogspot titled “Syrian Perspective” awarded its 2012 Best Restaurant of the Year to Costco. Citing the availability of “free samples in quantities sufficient to constitute two full daily meals”, Syrian Perspective further instructed readers in methods to increase consumption through the use of “special effects”.
Mr. Pottsgimmel weighed in on the subject of the ever-present sample stations at Costco’s facilities: “We are a discount warehouse for up-scale products. We never saw ourselves as UNESCO or UNERWA. That people actually come in to raid and eat their fill without regard to the marketing strategy is somewhat suspicious.”
The not-so-clever V.P., Joe Biden, seen here “raiding” a sample station for the fourth time, was arrested by house detective Sherville Shrumm. Even his Costco membership card was picked up in a parking lot.
Costco is delighted overall with the rise in membership. “We are going to have video cameras installed to prevent `raiding’. Technology must find a way to stop these shenanigans”, said Mr. Pottsgimmel. However, outside the Livonia, Michigan outlet, a defiant Serge Bump, a self-declared “warrior for the people” who holds the world record for most “hits” on one single station at 52, declared: “Whatever they come up with, we’ll defeat! Our people are working on anti-video software and special effects.”
Serge Bump, standing in front of his favorite Costco, promises “retaliation” for Costco’s new “Raid Prevention Matrix”. “The people united will never be defeated!” he exclaimed as he demonstrated his technique called “Blitzkrieg Mind Manipulation”.
QATAR’S KIDNEY FOUNDATION, an institution whose sole purpose is to provide the country’s bloated potentate, PRINCE DRUM SON OF DOUBLE DRUM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA AND PHILANDERING FREAK OF THE SECOND RATE TRIBE, with kidney transplants has now called it quits after learning that its offices were used to arrange “fresh kidneys” for the Prince by seducing male orphans from Eastern Europe to “Stand Up for Hookahworld”. The children were exposed to narcotic-infused tobacco followed by surgical kidney removal. “We are obviously very upset about this.” says, Navi Pillay of U.N. Commission on Human Rights. “We, of course, will blame the Syrian government of President Assad for this atrocity.”
In the meantime, Prince Fatso has two more problems to deal with: His son Tamim has that lean and hungry look. AND!! The inflated hog-prince has married another woman behind Banana’s back. Her name is Artichoke! We’ll keep you informed.