(New York City, N.Y.) Syrian Perspective’s members have voted and the votes have been tallied. The 2012 Cue Ball Award was announced this morning, 8:30 a.m. EST, in New York City by SyrPer Comptroller and Vice President for Public Affairs, Gunther Fulsome Coot. Attending the ceremony was Sir Run Run Shaw, XVIII, who delivered the Encomiastic Address to the huddled crowd of reporters and diplomats from around the world. Sir Run Run Shaw is recognized as one of the world’s greatest sources of impossible rhymes and remains Poet Laureate of the English Language in the Far East and Micronesia. Here is an excerpt from his introduction:
“My Dear Colleagues and Friends, the Cue Ball Award, which used to be called the “Circumcised Phallus Medal”, is bestowed upon those rare celebrities whose very appearance defines what they really are. It is not easy to translate what you look like into what you do. It is even harder to make what you do into what you appear as. But, the hardest ordeal is doing both at the same time and achieving functional and artistic perfection in the process. Only persons who are quintessentially what they look like can possibly win this remarkably valuable award. To look like a circumcised phallus and act like one is genius of the most instrumental and practical kind. It is, therefore, with much solemnity that I congratulate the only man this year who was unanimously voted “Cue Ball of the Year”, Foreign Secretary William Hague of England”. (Wild applause)
The resemblance is unmistakable. Truly, he is the epitome of phallic desuetude. A dietician once said that “you are what you eat”. At SyrPer we say: “You are sometimes what you look like”.
Always willing to meet former colonials and inferiors half way, he has stunned the diplomatic world with his utterly tool-like presence. Juan Maria Pescador, Ecuador’s ambassador to Sweden, said of him: “He resembles so much that thing my father used to use to induce labor in a cow.” Indeed. When he appears in a meeting, men can immediately identify the lesbians by their sudden, almost choreographed spasm of truculence, usually reserved for bigots or morality police. When seated, he is, appropriately enough, indistinguishable from your father’s old shovel or toilet plunger. He is the eidos of an unused cricket wicket or baseball bat. He is William Hague!
Hague seen here receiving a group of Syrian WOGs including the bearded rat, Ahmad Muaz Al-Khatib; the unbearded embezzler, carpetbagger and professional weasel, Riad Seif, and an unidentified porcine Syrian crone and patrone (in the right corner). The man in the yellow tie is Bastien Foireux, catamite and “ape-fondler” representing Qatar’s Prince Fatso.
Congratulations Mr. Hague on an award so fitting. We cannot discuss the shape of the old trophy first awarded in 2008, it having been discarded that same year. Mr. Hague will receive, instead, a giant replica of a sheep’s intestine and his own giant cue ball:
Please, Mr.Hague, enjoy it responsibly.