(London, England; DeeJay Mulligatwny, science reporter) The British Academy of Life Sciences, the American College of Physical Nostrums, The Mexican Association for the Study of Digestive Disorders and the German Federal University of Tondertentronkh, participated in declaring this man the Nobell Science Prize winner for 2012. “With all honours and emoluments thereunto pertaining as aforementioned in the reference to the herein-below text to which the winner is directed as per the last Will and Testament of Herr Gottschalk Von Nobell, Prince of Konigspott, the prize is awarded to Mr.
Amidst a huge round of applause, the crowd surrounding the Ecuadoran Embassy, where Mr. Assange is holed up (possibly forever) in defiance of British extradition orders, the winner waved to his admirers, through his bedroom window at scientists, some of whom represent the creme de la creme of scientific society. Notable for his presence was also the commercial attache of the Swedish embassy who appeared with some poorly-concealed handcuffs in his belt and a very surly demeanor. He was heard shouting at the window: “Surrender! Surrender! Rapist!” He was quickly beaten down by angry supporters of Mr. Assange who shouted back: “Tyrant! Swedish meatball! Norwegian nignog!” But for the sudden appearance of some constables, the attache, a Mr. Torvald Bjornson, would have been hanged, drawn and quartered by Mr. Assange’s vitriolic supporters.
Mr. Assange’s “scientific work” has little to do with his campaign to expose governmental chicanery through his Wikileaks organization. Wikileaks, among other things, was instrumental in divulging secret diplomatic memoranda from American embassies and consulates which resulted in much embarrassment since the memos were often written in full honesty with the understanding that they were “secret” and “inviolable”. Unfortunately for American diplomacy, an army private at the Pentagon with top secret clearance, Bradley Manning, disgruntled by months of hectoring because of his sexual orientation, delivered all the memos to Mr. Assange who released a large number to the public with tragi-comic results. Some of the disclosed communications went like this:
“Look, Seamus, these African negroes are a lot better than ours. Don’t mention this to the Prez. But, still they are so corrupt I have to sew my pockets shut when I go to the club in Lagos. And don’t mention this to that bitch at the U.N.” Orton Slufington, cultural attache in Nigeria.
“King Abdallah is fine with the plan to destroy Syria. He was wondering, though, if he could annex it to a bigger Jordan. I told him we can’t do that because it’s the English plan to have him deposed and give it all to the Palestinians. What do you think?” Stanislaw X. Bunting, CIA Chief, Amman, Jordan.
“The King of Thailand’s a fag. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. I know! He tried to put the make on me. I want out of this place. And I don’t want a transfer to Qatar. I’ve had enough of these child molesters.” Buford Smitz, Public Relations Attache, Bangkok, Thailand.
Mr. Assange’s work in the scientific field came to prominence when it was disclosed that the Swedish government wanted to interview him in an on-going investigation concerning two allegations of rape lodged against him by two Swedish women: Angelika Bjornfjord and Luba Fjordbjorn. In the the case of the former, she told investigators that Mr. Assange had “unappreciated sex” with her while she was asleep. In the latter case, the allegation was that he engaged in unconsented-to sex without the use of a prophylactic. It was not clear whether Ms. Fjordbjorn was also sleeping at the time. It was determined subsequently that she was.
The revelation that two unrelated Swedish women reacted similarly to an Australian Internet hacker, Assange, while having intimate relations set the scientific world on fire. The University of Michigan School of Sociology established a fund to research how Swedish women slept. The College of Ice Studies at the University of Godthaab in Greenland published several heretofore unknown texts on the subject titled: The Gelid Nature of Scandinavian Females as an Historical Guide for the Spread of Viking Culture in Northern Canada.
Luba Fjordbjorn shouts at our cameras: “He raped me! That horrible man! I can’t sleep anymore.”
In Sweden, evidently, women are so oblivious to their surroundings that they can actually be sexually assaulted while sleeping, a condition that made it necessary to pass extremely draconian laws to protect them. When the American government expressed an interest in legally tormenting Mr. Assange for the Wikileaks fiasco, the British government could not comply since Assange was a citizen of a Commonwealth country and thus, because of treaties, could not be extradited to a country as savage as the U.S. The only way out, to insure his persecution, was to exploit the somewhat bizarre circumstances of his last trip to Stockholm. The Swedish government responded positively and encouraged the two ladies to bring charges. “Ya, ya, Shoor, Shoor“, said Schorvaldur Hostpfeffer to the request from the British government.
In his quest for better government, Mr. Assange inadvertently came across an aberration in the DNA of Swedish women. That they can sleep and be raped at the same time might be an adaptation for climates which are long on cold, short on daylight and even shorter on smarts. Harvard University is taking up this matter quite seriously and has sent a team of male researchers to Sweden to investigate it further.
Congratulations Mr. Assange.