“THEY ARE ALL TERRORISTS, EVEN THE UNITED STATES”
“I MIGHT BE A LOUSE, BUT, MY WIFE IS LOUSIER”
“HEY, AUGIE, RUN DOWN TO THAT STORE AND GET ME A POCKET-SIZED J. BEAM”
“PANETTA’S A DUMB DAGO WHO COULDN’T RUN HIS OLD MAN’S CAT HOUSE”
(Alexandria, VA) Brunhilde Liebesbombe interviewing General Petraeus, Ogden Orffe photographer.
We met General Petraeus at the Wolftrap Motel’s Lounge where he sat casually in a Naugahyde love seat sipping a Mickey’s Malt Liquor bottle from a straw. He was dressed in old patched blue jeans and a salmon pink t-shirt with the slogan “Enver Hoxha Loves Me” printed on its front. We thanked him for the time he took out of his “busy” day to talk to us. The rules were made very simple: “can’t discuss any nuclear missile codes”; “the names of illegal American spies in France” or “why I can’t throw a baseball like an American”.
MNS: General, you went from an American hero, a model for children, especially boys, potential presidential candidate, a stalwart defender of the American mission, to what the media has called you today: “a philandering predator”, “sexual deviant”, “power-hungry vampire” and “rat fink”. What do you say to that?
PETRAEUS: All the more reason to run for president. (Breaks out into uncontrolled laughter) That’s why I went from Petaeus to Betray-yooooo. (Laughs even harder).
MNS: No, seriously, do you ever feel like you want to lash out at the press for defaming you?
PETRAEUS: What are you, Barbara Walters?……You want me to start crying? No. I’m getting more offers for speaking tours. Heck, my wife told me I should have been jailed and I could’ve made as much money as G. Gordon Liddy. She’s a real card, you know.
MNS: We heard you were writing an autobiography with a ghost writer….
PETRAEUS: Yeah. It’s a tell-all. I’m writing it with the guy who wrote my thesis at Princeton…I mean…
(hesitates)….the guy who edited by doctoral thesis at Princeton……Horton Mulebray……Anyway….I explain everything.
MNS: Do you discuss the Syrian situation in the book?
PETRAEUS: Oh, heck ya! All the goodies. You know why we were trying to overthrow Assad? (Leans forward with an intent look)…..’Cause Obama didn’t like the fact Assad’s got blue eyes. I’m not jokin’. He had this thing about his blue eyes and that high maintenance dame he was married to.
Gen. Petraeus had a dark side which was rarely revealed to the public.
PETRAEUS: (Continuing) We were sitting like us at the White House Situation Room back in February 2012 discussing that Ayraab Spring when a dossier gets put in front of Obama. It was the Syria file with a big glossy photo of Assad looking up with a sneer on his face. Obama stared at it for about five minutes and we couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Then, he looks up at Leon and says: “How did that m-f get them blue eyes?” Well, Leon was no genetics expert and said nothin’. Obama then looks at Hillary Clinton for about ten seconds and says to me: “How did he get that nice piece of meat?” Well, I didn’t know except he got married to a Syrian girl from the U.K. It was weird.
MNS: But how could that make Obama want to overthrow Assad?
PETRAEUS: The only person who could figure it out was Leon. He told me that Obama couldn’t get it through his head that the Syrian president spoke three languages, was a doctor and he had blue eyes and that spiffy dame of his.
MNS: Did America’s allies know that the whole U.S. policy in Syria was based on Assad’s blue eyes and pretty wife?
PETRAEUS: Hell, ya. He told Cameron that “all them Arabs should have fat, ugly wives like that hag in Germany.” That got back to Merkel which is why she gives him Sambo books whenever she meets him.
MNS: Getting back to the scandal. The press is on fire with stories about your fetish for Arab women. There’s Soo Soo Abu Fattouche, Jill Khawam Kelly, Fatima Bulimia, the exotic dancer, Layla Abdul Lustig, Sabrina Tabbouleh, Olivia Obadiah Olaydine. That’s quite a list!
PETRAEUS: That Olivia was a real dish. I wish I could get her out of jail. (sighs) Anyways, I’ll be revealing everything in my book.
MNS: Is it true some were spies?
PETRAEUS: I guess so. Abu Fattouche worked for Syrian Intelligence. She was always asking me about our submarines in the Mediterranean.. I should have figured it out.
MNS: You have a big chapter on the prince of Qatar. It’s called “Hamad the Hindenberg”. Could you tell us about that?
PETRAEUS: Man, every time this guy flies in to New York I get the job of setting him up with boys. I mean, young boys. That was a problem. The Solicitor General suggested we raid some detention centers for illegal aliens and grab some of the kids. I didn’t like that, but, Leon didn’t care ’cause he used to run some brothel in San Luis Nabisco and he catered to everybody. So, we’d try to get his Fatulence (sic) to leave his condo and see the boys at a motel. Son of a gun, he wouldn’t do it. Said it was “bad luck” and “unIslamic to frequent public places for this sort of thing”. So me and Leon had to escort these rotten Cuban kids up to his apartment with the help of some cops. It was a drag. Obama didn’t care as long as that bloated hog paid for all those terrorists. Man!
MNS: Thank you general for the time you spent talking to us.
PETRAEUS: Could you drive me down to the liquor store for a bottle? You got any smack? Any weed? I’ll pay for it.