Despite numerous protestations from the readership, the SyrPer Committee which supervises the preparation and dissemination of the enormously popular Brainteaser page has rejected all requests for a “review” of Mark Postelthwaite’s stunning victory last week with his “bogwash” response. The most perfervid denunciations came interestingly from supporters of former British P.M. Gordon Brown, one of whose epistles condemned SyrPer as nothing more than “a sounding board for anti-Wahhabist-pedophilic bigotry”. Indeed.
Notwithstanding all these puerile remonstrations and beating of breasts, we present this week’s series with typical hauteur and indifference to public recrimination:
1. Soup a l’onion is best made with what ingredient?
a. Cheez Whiz and saltine crackers;
b. Leeks and cucumbers;
c. Pickled lichens from your aunt’s pond;
e. Rhubarb compote.
2. General David Petraeus, former director of CIA, has a doctorate from what university?
a. The Tijuana School of Philandery;
b. Marianne Unfaithful Academy of Two-Timing Physical Sociology;
c. Horst Buchholtz Schule vor Nichtschuldigereinsatzmitschlechtereiffrauenwissenschaft;
d. Bluebeard’s Night School for Adults and Adulterers;
3. When someone says: “He’s as American as apple pie”, what does that mean?
a. He’s crude, inarticulate, ignorant, oppositional, but sweet;
b. He’s crusty, flaky and sticky;
c. He’s unique because only Americans make apple pie;
d. He’s not made of strudel like those German freaks;
e. He is all-American with all-American qualities just like Tiny Tim.
4. Who introduced the cruel method of execution on the high seas called: “Walking the Plank”?
a. The British Admiralty, of course. All they do is invent new ways to torture sailors and captives;
b. The Pirate Jean LaFitte Cousteau who was determined to find a use for loose planks on his ship;
c. Captain Blackbeard who enjoyed razzing amputees as they peg-legged their way to certain death;
d. Sindbad the Sailor who enjoyed watching Zionist pirates go slowly into the Danube.
e. Merry Melodies Cartoons.
5. A big, fat, loudmouthed woman is referred to as:
a. A big, fat, loudmouthed woman;
b. A Penelope Porkrind;
c. A Coloratura;
d. A Shelly Winters;
e. A Termagant.
6. Liberace’s father was Italian; his mother was Polish. If so, what were Bobby Vinton and Chopin?
a. Partners of Liberace’s brother, George, who made millions on frozen pizzas in Wisconsin;
b. Vinton was American-Polish and Chopin was a French-Pole;
c. Bobby Vinton’s real name was Vintoni, he was Italian. Chopin’s was Chopiusko – Ukrainian;
d. Wladziu Liberace, Bobby Vinton and Frederic Chopin were all a bunch of dumb Polacks;
e. This is a really offensive and stupid question.
7. The animal which devours its food the fastest is:
a. The human ogre;
b. The Great White Shark;
c. The Aardvaark;
d. The Boa Constrictor;
e. The Canadian Anteater.
8. What is the Kessler Whiskey motto found on all its bottles?
a. Smooth as sandpaper;
b. Smooth as concertina wire;
c. Smooth as a Sicilian barber’s forearm;
d. Smooth as bricks;
e. Smooth as silk.
9. The U.S. Supreme Court is made up of how many justices?
a. None, they are all unjust;
b. Eight whites and one black;
c. Seven Whites and one black and one Hispanic;
d. Three white Jews, two boring Catholic Italians, two more boring white Catholics, and the rest a bunch of boring Hispanics and blacks;
10. The neighborhood of Montmarte in Paris is historically famous for what pastry?
a. The French Torte; (in tradition, you receive a blow to the face after eating it)
b. The Pastie; (it’s not really Welsh. The Welsh are only famous for heavy drinking)
c. The Gateau Meretrice Rouge. (appropriate enough for an area known for its red lights);
d. La Souflee Libertine. It leaves you breathless and penniless;
e. The French Tart.
Remember, you cannot use any research modalities. You cannot write notes to yourself. You cannot discuss the questions with anyone. Our proctors and monitors may appear at your home without warning. Those caught cheating are immediately subject to either a caning or a bastinado. Pleas for mercy are futile and we will not delay the imposition of punishment.
The winner this week will receive a free membership with the Syrian National Council. Along with a collector’s-grade parchment signed by SNC luminary, Abdel-Basset Seida, a memorial plaque with the face of Burhan Ghalioun will also be awarded to the winner. The membership will last only as long as the SNC itself. In the event the SNC folds or is discontinued, you must return the plaque but may keep the parchment. Good luck.