THIRD POST – SEPTEMBER 25, 2012 – MNS.EXCLUSIVE: GERMAN PHYSICIANS CONFIRM SAUDI/QATARI VIRUS CONTRACTED FROM SEXUAL CONTACT WITH APES; GERMAN TEAM CONFUSED BY RESILIENT MICROBE; FEARS SPREAD INTO ZOOS AND LABORATORIES
Mercury News Service Exclusive Report. Alasdair Borstenfaule reporting from Freiburg, Germany. Brunhilde Liebesbombe from Jedda , Saudi Arabia. Ogden Orffe, photographer.
Part One. News of a resilient hantavirus specific to apes but finding a natural host in Saudi Arabians and Qataris has transfixed the world and set off a massive effort to protect simian creatures at renowned zoological parks and animal reserves everywhere. A team of German clinicians and biotechnicians has just completed an initial appraisal of the situation in both Qatar and Saudi Arabia. Qatar’s leading medical doctor, who treats Prince Drum son of Double Drum Husband of Madame Banana, Dr. Baldur Hasenpfeffer, commented that the virus was not “unexpected” in light of the Arabian penchant for “young apes as a substitute for boys”. He added that the virus, “besides being pernicious and unpleasant, also affects the phsycial appearance of the host, actually changing the morphology of the Qatari to something more akin to an orangutan.” The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, has issued a warning to all Americans traveling to the areas affected to avoid touching or socially interacting with any suspicious looking ape.
Prince Kurunb Ibn Saud, seen here, has been flown to Freiburg for intense treatment to reverse the effects of the new virus called Arabicussimianicusbuggerbumba.
Security at zoos and protected zoological preserves in both Africa and Asia have seen a doubling of security as those affected countries strive to prevent Arabian filching of simian exhibits for “perverted bestial outrages”, as Thailand’s Minister of Animal Husbandry, Pakshaktghastum Inglabahthanmthoro, declared in a press conference in Pnom Pennh yesterday. He went on to comment: “We have no problem with the bearded ones coming to our country, if they want to see our apes. But hiring thugs to steal them for such questionable motives is unacceptable. We will take this matter up with the U.N. next week. ”
One of the curious aspects of the virus is how it selects its host. For example, Prince Drum Husband of Madame Banana, Catarrh’s leader, is known to collect Caucasian orphans from Eastern European countries for private entertainment while exposing them to apes at the Catarrh Hostel for Innocent Cupidons. The apes may infect the children who, in turn, affect Prince Drum and his guests.
A Qatari member of the “royal family” resists further testing by German doctors, insisting on commencing his daily nap at 1:30 p.m. after waking up at 11:00 a.m.
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia which traditionally does not comment on its people’s mores or social behavior has only issued a statement through its “Council of Wisemen” denouncing the virus as a “creation of the infidel unbeliever and proof that Islam is the way to salvation.”
Sheikh Al-Ghamidi shows his “paws” to German physicians who note a stark resemblance to the hands of Gibbon monkeys. “This is a pandemic Katastrophe of Biblical dimensions”, shouts Dr. Hasenpfeffer.
Article will continue in Part 2.