FIFTH POST – SEPTEMBER 7, 2012 – LEBANON REELS FROM ACCUSATIONS OF INCOMPETENCE

SEPTEMBER 7, 2012 – FIFTH POST – LEBANESE GOVERNMENT REELS FROM ACCUSATIONS OF INCOMPETENCE IN FRENCH SPY SMUGGLING DISASTER; MNS UNCOVERS THE TRUTH WITH STARTLING PHOTOS OF FRENCH SPY TEAM IN OSCAR MEYER WEENIE TRUCK

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE – (Beirut)  Alvin Eichhornchen reporting.  The government of Lebanese President and former army general Michel Suleiman is reeling from accusations of “incompetence”, “ineptitude”, “bumbling” and “dumbfounding stupidity” after confirmed reports disclosed the arrival last week of a team of French government spies, terrorists and electronics experts who landed at Beirut Airport with a group of Qatari “trolls”, slid through customs without paying duty and made off in garishly colored Oscar Meyer Weenie Trucks.  During the arrival, MNS’s ubiquitous prize winning photographer, Ogden Orffe, happened to be at the airport with a crew of apprentices.  He documented the arrival of the French/Qatari terrorist team. 

Ogden captures MNS apprentice, Lila Abu-Batteekha, photographing French terrorist, Bucephal Sauvage-Piscine, as he waits for the spy equipment to clear customs.   

(SyrPer HQ was deluged yesterday with skeptical comments about the possibility of such an event, especially in light of the vehicles used to transport the electronic eavesdropping equipment.  This article is meant to allay any fears and to assuage any anxieties over the headline story.) 

In a press conference convened at the Presidential Palace, Mr. Suleiman angrily fielded questions regarding the fiasco at the airport.  One question submitted by this reporter to the president elicited an enraged response.  I asked:  “How could Lebanese Customs agents just let six spy gadgets in without even charging duty?”  The President barked out:  “I was told they looked like television sets with long antennae.  There was nothing on them to indicate they would be used to spy on people,  for Christs sake.  We didn’t charge duty because one of the Frenchmen told our agents he worked for Charles Aznavour.”  There was an understanding sigh from the queue of reporters.   

President Suleiman was not happy answering questions about a botched Lebanese search of French and Qatari spies at the airport.  He promised a “zealous” panel of enquiry.   

President Suleiman went on to announce the appointment of Druze chieftain and mercurial proponent of praeternatural poppycock, Walid Jumblatt, to head the investigative team.  When asked how a man who is on record as opposing the Syrian president could be objective, he responded: “Walid is against Assad today.  Tomorrow, who knows?” 

Walid Jumblatt joyfully answered questions about his investigative role in the French spying scandal. Here he is seated in the village of Mukhtara sipping on an ornate cup of matta with a silver straw awarded him by former Argentinian president, Carlos Menem.

In the meantime, robust and angry debate erupted over the way the Frenchmen eluded Lebanese security agents while driving away in trucks with distinctive shapes and colors.  These questions were fielded by the Chief of Lebanon’s army, General Jean Qahwaji.  According to him, “Lebanon has many trucks which resemble the ones used by the French and Qatari spies.  We cannot tell the difference sometimes.”  But he became irate when questioned by this reporter about the trucks passing by manned roadblocks at Chakka.  He responded:  “Look, they said they had some equipment for a show in Bshirri involving some Russian girls.  It’s not illegal to run geisha houses here.  And they were French, you know.”      

French agents, (from l to r), Cerise Saucier, Frieda Acetone and Marbelline Couchoniere smile for Ogden’s camera while they waited for the Qatari team to clear customs.  

When asked if the General planned to arrest the French spies, he merely replied that they would be taken into custody when they came back to Beirut.  “It’s just too far to go in the North.  Our troops aren’t used to that kind of hiking.  We’ll see.” 

We will have more on this breaking story.