This week’s mind-bending test has a sweet ending for the winner.  That’s right!  The winner will receive a full night of mindless indulgence at the “Qatar YMCA and Spa” on 5th Avenue and Lexington in New York City.  Sorry, no accommodations for females.  If the winner is a female, she will receive in-home, lifetime tutoring in the Holy Qur’an!!  Either way, imagine the fun.

1.   The only dog breed known to be indigenous to the Middle East is:

a.  The Saudi Arabian;
b.  The Canus Emiratus;
c.  The Libyan Goon;
d.  The Saluki;
e.  The Kuwaiti Retriever.

2.  Ron Paul and Paul Ryan are related.  How?

a.  Both are named Paul, obviously;
b.  Like blacks and orientals, white people are all related to one another;
c.  Both are members of the North American Anglers Association;
d.  Their wives are mother and daughter, respectively;
e.  They are both worshipers of Ayn Rand.

3.  Woody Allen once established a difference between the Jews of Poland and Russia. What is it?

a.  The Jews of Poland can’t screw in a light bulb while Russian Jews can do it if there are two of them;
b.  The Jews of Poland drink less vodka than those in Russia;
c.  The Jews of Russia don’t believe in God;
d.  Russian Jews are part of the Masonic-Zionist-Hapsburg-Rothschild conspiracy to rule the world;
e.  Polish Jews have spots whereas Russian Jews have stripes.

4.  Alexander Litvinenko, Russian dissident, died in a London hospital from poisoning. What caused it?

                                        Is this what happens to people who try British cuisine?

a.  English cooking;
b.  Too much foie gras;
c.  Warm Mackeson’s Stout;
d.  Polonium;
e.  Listening to the ambassador of Qatar. 
5.  The O in O.J. Simpson’s name is really:

a.  Orangutan;
b.  Ogre;
c.  Orenthal;
d.  Obadiah;
e.  Orthopedic.
6.   In James Fenimore Cooper’s “Last of the Mohicans”, who was the last mohican?

a.  Jay Silverheels;
b.  Edward James Olmos;
c.  Ed Sullivan;
d.  Chingachkook;
e.  Queequeg.

7.  John Gotti was lovingly called “the Teflon Don” before conviction; What was he called after that?

a.  The Kevlar Don;
b.  The Depleted Uranium Don;
c.  The Dandruff Don;
d.  The Magnetic Dummy Don;
e.  The Velcro Don.

8.  What are the names of the “Four Aces” of the old Cunard lines:

a.  Spade, Diamond, Heart and Club;
b.  Algernon, Aloysius, Ambrose and Atfoot;
c.  Cognac, Champagne, Port and Sherry;
d.  Tweedle Dee Tweedle Dum
e.  Excambion, Exeter, Exelsior and Excalibur

9.  What is the main ingredient in a successful chicken liver pate Hungarian Jewish style?

a.  Dead chickens;
b.  The accent grave on the word “pate”;
c.  The blood of unbaptized Christian children;
d.  Authentic Mexican plantains;
e.  Schmaltz.

10.  What is Johnny Depp’s real name?

a.  Umberto Sandoval-Kruppsky;
b.  John Wayne;
c.  Sepp Depp Dietrich;
d.  Olive Depp-John
e.  John Depp.

Remember, you cannot use any research tools to ace this test.  We’ll know if you do.