JULY 16, 2012 – SYRPER’S INCOMPARABLE BRAINTEASER OF THE WEEK HAS BEEN ADOPTED BY QUENSA AND MENSA AS “UNPARALLELED MIND-TEST”. THOSE WHO CAN GET A PERFECT SCORE ARE ALSO ALLOWED IMMEDIATE MEMBERSHIP DENSA, THE WORLD’S MOST OPAQUE INTELLECTUAL ORGANIZATION. Well let’s going. The prize this week is a full 24 hour opportunity to urinate on someone from Qatar.
1. The great Egyptian governor Mohamed Ali did not speak one language. What was it?
2. The song “Ahab the Arab” by Ray Stevens was based on a real life personality. Who was he?
a. Frank Zappa;
b. Jamie Farr;
c. Freddy Mercury;
d. Ravi Shankar;
e. Octavio Bohemond LeLouche.
3. If Zeno’s Paradox were true as to time, space and distance, what would life be like?
a. It would be great because time would not exist and we would live forever;
b. It would be horrible since we could never get to the liquor store;
c. It would be unbearable since we would be trying to cross infinite distances in finite time;
d. It would be a real drag for guys trying to pick up their dates at 8:00 p.m.;
e. People could not move their bodies and reproduce a new generation of feckless morons.
4. The ice cream cone was invented by whom?
a. San Luis Obispo while working for Nabisco;
b. Rolffe DeQuinite Charogne, arrogant French procuror;
c. Lucky Luciano;
d. Betty Crocker;
e. Ernest Hamway, some Syrian at the St. Louis World’s Fair.
5. H.L. Mencken once said:
a. “One bird in the hand is better than ten in the other”;
b. “These people of Okinawa can only survive by feeding off mammal blubber”;
c. “I came, I saw, I became drunk and I shall return”;
d. “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public”;
e. “A bonehead is the same as a knucklehead and that’s why there’s no debate about it.”
6. What’s the difference between Veuve Clicquot and Dom Perignon according to connoisseurs?
a. The Dom Perignon has smaller bubbles;
b. Dom Perignon always impresses the ladies because it shows you really care;
c. Veuve Clicquot is drier on the tongue but has a luscious kumquat-like finish;
d. Dom Perignon is more yellow, more like rich, irony urine;
e. About $100.00.
7. Which is more common in Russia? Ivan, Dimitri, Sergei or Vsolovod?
a. Ivan, certainly, after the famed Czar;
b. Dimitri as in Dimitri Shostakovitch; All Russian composers are named Dmitri;
c. Sergei, as in Sergei Lavrov;
d. Vsolovod as in Prince Vsolovod the Corrupt Sot of Byelorrussia;
e. Russians don’t know and think these statistics are stupid.
8. “It came a cropper” means what in English?
a. The barren field exploded with radishes;
b. The ugly woman arrived with clipping shears;
c. He used a crop on a horse and was thrown off into a bush of thistles;
d. It failed miserably;
e. It’s a technical term for cutting and doctoring the tops of photos for tabloids.
9. Ichthyology is the study of what?
a. Icky things;
b. Icky theological concepts like the Profound Consubstantiation;
c. Robust hair follicles on the backs of feral pigs;
d. Ichthies which are scabious lesions found only under the pelts of Canadian trappers;
10. “I Sing the Body Electric” is a long poem by Walt Whitman about what subject?
a. Florida’s electric chair, “Sparky”!
b. A farewell to Armbruster Fudgewick, a journalist who was incinerated by a lighting bolt in NYC;
c. A Madison Avenue jingle for the Gillette “Complete Automatic Razor”;
d. His first experience sticking his finger into a wall outlet;
e. The odd bi-sexual love he feels for anything with human skin.
Don’t forget, you cannot use any books or internet aids. You have only one hour to complete this test and see if you can spend an entire day pissing on some Qatari.