FIRST POST- JULY 11, 2012 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE ANNOUNCES LAST YEARS NOMINEES FOR DUFUS OF THE YEAR:
The Board of Governors of Mercury News Service Ltd. has convened a plenary session of all members to finalize 2011’s prestigious DUFUS OF THE YEAR. The actual winner will be announced after subscribers’ votes are counted. President Thorkeld Bjornstern Bjornschwein announced the results yesterday at the Lutece Restaurant in Manhattan. Here are the results:
1. RECEP TAYYIP ERDOGHAN, PRIME MINSTER OF TURKEY was unanimously accepted by the Board for his “tenacious adherence to folly in the face of logic…his willingness to bring disprepute upon all Turkish institutions for the sake of some deity….for his unbridled hatred of all success and embrace of abject failure.”
Reba Orrenfuss, editor of Phenotype Magazine, commented that “he looks truly stupid. It’s rare when a person looks so much like himself.” In this photo, Mr. Erdoghan is asked about Turkish toilets.
Erdoghan was cited for his completely successful policy of ruining all relations with his neighbors including: Armenia, Iraq, Syria and Iran. It has been reported that Greece and Georgia are next on the list.
2. NICOLAS SARKOZY, DISGRACED FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE FRENCH REPUBLIC.
This was also a unanimous decision by the Board. Sarkozy was cited for “fine tuning aberrant thinking into some kind of new art”. Board member Alois Shanker waxed eloquently from the podium when he asked:
“What more can a man accomplish? An Hungarian with Jewish roots becomes president of France? A man thought of as the village fool leads a whole nation? No, my friends, Nicolas Sarkozy was truly French in the Rabelaisian tradition…A cuckold? Yes. A dried prune-like effigy of Belmondo? Yes. Carla Bruni’s chamber boy? Possibly.” (To uproarious applause).
Monseiur Sarkozy mugs for the camera during a peptalk after learning his “effete” opponent defeated him for the presidency of France. Here, he is reminded that Dr. Bashar Al-Assad remains in office.
3. HUMILIATED FORMER AMERICAN AMBASSADOR TO SYRIA, ROBERT FORD.
Already holding the coveted EGON KRENTZ MEMORIAL AWARD FOR HIS SERVICE TO THE SYRIAN SECURITY AGENCIES, Mr. Ford also topped the list for Dufus of the Year with a whopping 98% of the Board votes. He has been praised by officers of the Syrian General Intelligence Service for his “crackpot’s willingness to lead us to every anti-government terrorist in both Homs and Hama. We cannot forget his sacrifices for us.” But Ford did more than that; he single-handedly led American diplomacy out of its traditional role of “ugly Americana” into “pure farce on a grand scale”. Seymour Frothkind called his performances in Damascus as: “Gilbert and Sullivan for bad movie fanatics”.
Here former Ambassador Ford looks up one second before a Syrian pigeon dropped some guano on his right eyeglass. It would get worse that day for people he visited in Hama.
4. JOHN MCCAIN, SENATOR FROM ARIZONA AND RESIDENT PEST;
Board members were visibly troubled by having to nominate a man now viewed universally as a “senile fantast” and “Alzheimer’s patient-in-waiting”. But, despite that, Mr. McCain still received a very respectable 89% for what Godfrey Zahnweh said was, “his grandiose view of a world in which all humans regarded him as the ultimate Phantom pilot…the unerring derringdoer….and fighter for Islamist killers and terrorists.” (To wild applause). McCain’s delving into the Syrian situation by openly encouraging jihadis to “get at that sononfabitch Assad!” made his name a mantra for puzzled anti-American salafist clerics who issued fatwas
permitting devotees to fawn up to him and “cajole him with unctuous encomia”.
Senator McCain seen here in Tuscon tries to jam an Easter egg into his right orbit without much success. The kindergarten class was not amused and had to endure weekly trauma therapy.
5. “PRINCE HAMAD BIN JASSEM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA”, LEADER OF CATARRH.
The Board voted Hamad in by a stunning 96% citing the Prince’s awe-inspiring calls for sending troops to Syria when Qatar had no troops to contribute. Shashonk Artakshasta, of the Washington Institute for Inevitable Platitudes remarked from the dais: “We were all amazed by the Prince’s willingness to kill other people’s children….his pride in the inherent decrepitude of Qatari male society…..his preference for Eastern European prepubescent boys….his unabashed support for “Banana Islam”…his creeping waistline”.
This monarch of an Arabian version of the Grand Duchy of Fenwick caused gasps in the international diplomatic community when he was asked about Iran’s ability to turn his little “sewage enclave into a burning cinder unworthy of a pimp’s hooka”. He answered: “So what? All our people have apartments in New York City.”
The Husband of Madame Banana here holds a self-awarded North American Boy Lover’s Association Life Achievement Award for Promotion of Adolescent Pimping and Sodomy.
Runners-up were: Hillary Clinton, Victoria Nuland, Eric Chevallier, Zein El-Abidine Ben Ali, Mahmoud Abbas, Omar Bashir and David Cameron.