SECOND POST – May 14, 2012 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH OUSTED FRENCH PRESIDENT NICOLAS SARKOZY

Former French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, sat down on May 11, 2012 with MNS correspondent, Brunhilde Liebesbombe, in his office at Versailles.

     The president seen here contemplating a fly that landed on his Hungarian nose.

MNS:  We note you are packing up your belongings and putting them in boxes.  Will this be your last act as president of the French Republic?

N.S.:  It looks that way, doesn’t it?  I mean, I can’t be rearranging it, can I?  That communist is coming in soon. What can I do? 

MNS:  Do you feel betrayed by the French people? 

N.S.: What a stupid question!!  Of course, I feel betrayed by the French. I only wanted to outlast that Syrian doctor, what’s his name?…..  I mean, I didn’t want anyone to poke fun at me.

MNS: But now, it appears that Dr. Assad has outlasted you despite your demands that he step down.  Do you feel like a laughingstock?

N.S.:  What is this?  Who sent you?  You’re not British, I know that because you speak like Marlene Dietrich.  Oh, I get it!  (laughing boisterously).  That blithering bag of potatoes, Angela sent you.  Right?  It’s all a joke!  I didn’t know Germans had a sense of humour.

Dr. Assad bids a fond farewell to the Hungarian President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy. “Au revoir, batard!” 

MNS:  I work for the Mercury News Service. We are not affiliated with any country.  We work for a great humanitarian intellectual.  And Germans do not have a sense of humor.

N.S:  No! Merde!  I am preparing to go back to Budapest.  I can save the people of Hungary from themselves.  I can be another Enver Hoxha.

MNS:  Have you discussed that with your wife, Carla Bruni?  Does she want to move to Hungary?

N.S.:  That overpriced Dago chaperon!  She’s the reason I lost the election. “Let them eat cake! Let them eat cake!”  Then, she’d say: “I want to go to the Italian Riviera to flaunt our wealth”.  She wouldn’t even flaunt our wealth on the French Riviera! 

MNS:  Do you believe that Carla alienated the French voters with her vulgar and lavish lifestyle?

N.S.  What do you think?  An Italian who speaks French!!  An Italian who doesn’t shave her armpits?  What’s that? 

Madame Bruni-Sarkozy had numerous affairs with famous ugly men, culminating with her marriage to the “Frog-Hunkie”, Nicolas Sarkozy.  Mick, seen above, complained bitterly about “hairy armpits” and wrote a song about his pet peeve: “Give Me British Fatties With Smooth Underarms”.  The song was eventually picked up by Maryanne Faithful and released as: “My Armpits Are Only For You”. 

MNS:  Can you explain your policies toward Syria. Your exaggerated vituperations against Bashar Assad had people wondering if there was not a hidden agenda other than democracy.  How do you comment?

N.S.:  It’s all gas.  He was standing in the way of our getting all that natural gas.  Damn Russians were strangling us. Gazprom wants this. Gazprom wants that!  I just wanted the gas.  (Pounds desk with closed fist.)  I just wanted gas!  No one could understand me.

MNS:  And what about your successor, Francois Hollande?  Do you think he will be able to get along with Angela Merkel the way you did?

N.S.:  That pervert!  Has four children from a mistress!!!  Segolene Royal is worse than my wife. (Smiling broadly).  You know I defeated her for the presidency of France. 

In this photo, the president-elect and his mistress and mother of four beam at the camera.  Ms. Royal has called Nicolas Sarkozy a “wet dwarf….a mussel without a shell……a used condom.”

NS.: (Continuing).  You know he is very boring.  I often call him at night when I have insomnia and let him drone. 

MNS:  Everyone is saying that you are bitter and prepared to leave politics.  Is it possible you will never come back to the political scene?  Or is it true you are returning to your native Hungary to take up where Attila the Hun left off?

During our interview, Monsieur Sarkozy stopped for prayer several times and volubly asked God to “punish the French people for their inconstancy.”  He also implored God to “destroy Bashar Al-Assad, Vladimir Putin, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Mick Jagger.”

N.S.:  Attila is nothing compared to me.  He was a factotum for the stinking Italians!

MNS:  What about Libya?  Now that the entire country is in a state of anarchy, do you feel that sending French jets to destroy Qaddafi’s army was a good decision?
N.S.:  That was not my decision.  I liked Qaddafi and appreciated the $50,000,000 he sent my campaign against that arrogant little trollop, Segolene Royal.  No, I only went along with it because Mr. Cameron insisted on doing the “right thing”.  I think we destroyed Libya because BP wanted it that way.  In any case, who cares?  The Libyans are sauvages…..savages.  Their kitchen is very poor.  They have bad dental habits.
MNS: Is there anything you would like to tell the world before you descend into a self-imposed oblivion?

N.S.:  Yes.  You’re not gonna have Nicolas Sarkozy to kick around anymore.

(You can get the entire transcript of our interview with Mr. Sarkozy by entering this week’s Brainteaser Competition.)