MNS:  Your Holiness has spoken with curious perspicacity about the cause of “eradicating invincible ignorance”.  You have spoken of the doctrine of “Moron Crushing as Holy Enterprise”.  You have also been quite verbal in your defense of “fascist governments” and have declared Benito Mussolini as “Great Yogi of Sheepshead Bay”.  What makes you take these somewhat aberrant positions?

This mug shot taken of Guru Proscia after a raid by Bronx Police (circa, 2011) resulted in the landmark Supreme Court case of Proscia v. United States of America and Eric Holder, where it was held that police may not perform invasive cavity searches on “duly ordained shamans”.  

GURU:  I warned you five times about those high-falutin words….Anyways.  My support for Mussolini is founded on my doctrine of “Extremely Immanent Permanence”.  It is the way the Universal Mind controls the “Sporadic Oscillations of the Enfeebled Cortex”. 

MNS:  Some of your critics have likened your philosophy to L. Ron Hubbard’s – a lot of fancy sounding terms containing nothing.  How do you respond? 

GURU:  Like, who are these critics?  What’s their names?

MNS:  Noam Chomsky,  Armande Assante, Jules Verne, Ted Kaczynski and Latoya Jackson.

GURU:  Who’s Jules Verne?  I mean, who are these people?  Do they realize that my philosophy is a complete system?  What about that? Huh? Huh?…. Right!

MNS: I didn’t mean to infuriate you.  I only meant to point out that some critics think you are scamming your flock.

GURU:  The doctrine of “ETERNAL SQUALOR” is the only path to salvation.  That’s not my fault. In order to properly prepare for “Pon Faar”, all humans must divest themselves of needless goods by donating them to my Ashram.

MNS:  “Pon Faar”?  Isn’t that something from Star Trek?

GURU:  Star Trek borrowed that from my BUNGABAR – the Book of Sacred Apathy from which I derive my ability to see into the human soul.  This is why Mussolini is beloved among the “APOSTLES OF AWARENESS” where I first espoused the UPANISHADS OF FLATBUSH SPEAKING TO THE ERSATZ SLOVENIANS OF BATHGATE.  What a score that was!!!

MNS:  My God! I am so confused.  What do Slovenians have to do with your form of Hinduism?

GURU:  Slovenians rejected by message. They shall suffer the scourge of the “INFINITE PRIMORDIAL WHACK”!  I had their green cards reviewed and a lot were deported back to,…well,  Slovenia.  I’ve heard they’re gnashing their teeth over unsalted gristle.  (Broad smile).  That’s gonna happen to you if you don’t stop asking stupid questions.  

MNS:  Is salvation possible for the wealthy?

GURU:  Only if they share the wealth with their guru.  Absent that, they are doomed to “THE FERAL FIRES OF FANCY PHOSPHORUS” which await all the stingy. God despises the “Withholders” but  loves the “Cunning Liars”. If you get what I’m saying.

MNS:  No. No! I’m not rolling my eyeballs! I just have a speck in my eye!

GURU: Yeah? I don’t know about that. You’re now approaching the “stop in the woods” moment. 
And I’m not talkin’ about Robert Floss either. 
MNS:  Please. There has been talk of a large number of people in your “flock” who committed suicide.  The CDC in Atlanta has referred to that statistic as “an epidemic”.  What is your response to that?

In this photo taken in November of 2011, Quentin Vestrange of Buffalo, N.Y., screams two days before taking his own life. He is said to have asked Guru Proscia for his money back but was refused.   

GURU:  Nobody ever got any disease ’cause of my teachings.  Suicide is encouraged, anyway, because its speeds the soul into the afterlife. It also removes obstacles to the complete divestiture of earthly wealth which is necessary for complete bonding with the COSMOLOGICAL METAPHOR whose real name cannot be spoken.  

MNS:  Do you believe in an afterlife?

GURU: No. But some of these punks do.  I’m just here to help them to get there…..Hey,  watch the eyeballs!!! 

In this artist’s rendering of Guru Proscia and the God Ganish, the Holy Man glares at his audience with that patented “HEAVENLY SNEER”.

MNS:  You have said that the two most important gods of your religion are Ganish and Kali.  Why do you scorn Vishnu and the others?

GURU:  I frankly don’t know the difference between all them gods. I like Knish ’cause he sounds like some Jewish food I’d eat in Brooklyn.  I like Kali ’cause she blesses my work.  Anyways, I think elephants are cool.

MNS:  But, Kali is an evil god. 

GURU:  Yeah.  It’s a dog-eat-dog world.  You need a Kali once in a while.

To be continued