April 7, 2012 – Bethesda Sarong Landfill interviews his Holiness, Guru Rajneesh Proscia, while driving to Ann Arbor.  (PART ONE)

MNS:  Your Holiness, many readers wanted to learn about you after reading our exclusive article last week.  What do you mean by “let’s crush the morons together”? 

GURU PROSCIA:  It is not easy to fight the majority of beings on this earth. It requires cooperation and coordination among the enlightened. 

Guru Rajneesh Proscia in an article published by his monthly magazine “The Way of Miraculous Lying”.

MNS: Your philosophy strikes many people as elitist.  You seem to treat mankind as feeble-minded, weak, deluded.  Does this mean that you reject democracy?

GURU:  Democracy is a sham.  The very idea that ordinary rabble be permitted to vote for a leader is an abomination.  People should serve the superior being and be satisfied with that.  I belong to the ubermensch school of Hinduism which practices pure reason and logic.  We eschew honesty, decency and goodness.  They are the traits of the village fool.  We extol lying for God loves the artful liar. 

MNS:  But we can’t find any school of Hinduism which even vaguely resembles yours.  I mean, can you trace your beliefs to any event in the history of the religion?

GURU:  There are many: Gotti whacks Castellano, Right?; Michael whacks Moe Greene, Right?; Vishnu whacks Hoffa; Right? Ali whacks Liston, Right?  It’s all power to whack! 

MNS:  (under her breath) My God. 

GURU: Hey, what’re you doin’?  Rollin’ your eyeballs? Maybe you oughta be whacked!

MNS:  No. No, your Holiness! I was merely getting a speck out of my eye.

GURU: Well, okay. But don’t make a habit of it.  Hey,  Kumar! Next time she rolls the eyes, you stop the car and pull over next to a ditch. 

KUMAR, the Chauffeur:  Sure, boss…… I, mean, Your Holiness.

His Holiness’ car stopped at the site where the new Ashram is being erected by Guru Shree Rajneesh Proscia in Ann Arbor.
GURU:  (continuing).  Look, Toots, it’s really easy to figure the universe out.  Shiva made the Ganges River in the image of the East River.  They’re both real polluted, right? 

MNS: Yes, I suppose so.

GURU: Hey, cut the rolling of the eyeballs out!! 

MNS:  No, please!  Some people say that your accent indicates origins in New York.  Where were you born?

GURU:  I told you about the eyeballs, right?….. Anyway.  It was told in our Holy Book that a great mind would be born on the banks of the East River and that he would be the “Darling of God”.  Everybody thinks that’s me.  What’s really important is that I think it’s me.  Anybody who denies that is whacked.

                           Guru Proscia looks disapprovingly at our reporter, Bethesda Landfill.  

MNS:  What is your Holy Book called?

GURU:  The Bungadung Rita.  Watch the eyeballs!  It is the book which forgives everything and extols the virtues of wiliness, deceit, cunning and charm.  “It’s the book of the few for the few shall get all the money”.  

MNS: What about faith?  What part does that play in your theology?

GURU:  Watch the big words, okay?  You have faith in me and I will enrich you with poverty, for poverty is the way to true knowledge. 

MNS:  Gosh, that really sounds beautiful. Can you enrich me with poverty? 

GURU:  Yeah.  Just stay close.  And what’s so funny?

MNS:  How many pious adherents belong to your school?

GURU:  Not enough.  I need more people who are seeking poverty.  My flock must be increased so that fleecing can be intensified.  “It is through the confluence of lying and smiling that fleecing becomes holy and approved by God”. That’s from the holy book.  Okay. Any more questions? 

MNS:  Hinduism has many gods.  It’s a polytheistic religion.  What does your sect say about that?

GURU:  I warned ya about the fancy words. Cut it out!  There is only one God in the Bungadung Rita.  Guess who that is.  “As the lambs are shorn of their fleece, they will speak of only one God and that God is you!”  I really like that line.  

MNS: Who wrote the Bunkatunk Rita? 

GURU:  (With a wide smile)  I did.