SECOND POST – April 25, 2012-
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE ANNOUNCES OPENING OF NOMINATION PROCESS FOR THE COVETED “DUFUS OF THE YEAR” AWARD. Readers are politely asked to submit names of internationally known individuals whose behavior, morals or thought patterns evidence clear eligibility for this much-sought-after prize. Already, two individuals have been nominated through casual conversation over the telephone: The first is none other than soon-to-be-dumped president of France: Nicolas Sarkozy.
We seriously doubt he will snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in the upcoming May elections. MNS predicts that Francois Hollande will be France’s next premier.
The second nominee is no stranger to stupidity. He was once revered by the peoples of the Middle East as the power broker extraordinaire; Islam’s democratic wunderkind; world-wise wheeler-dealer and political craftsman. Instead, today, he is uniformly dissed as “Wonder-Weasel”, “Ankara’s Imbecile” and “Static Statesman”. He is none other than:
Both Sarkozy and Erdoghan share that one common thread which separates the intelligent from the nincompoopish. It’s that subtle quality which always appears at times when victory is at hand; when one can detect the enemy’s defeat in the timbre of his cries. It is here when the “dufus” rises and makes his presence known by running, pell-mell, from routed armies; injecting one’s self into extraneous problems for no valid reason; touting policies while undermining them. Who is the man or woman you would like to see listed for this competition? Send your nominee’s name immediately and feel the joy of humiliating another human being.
And let’s not forget MNS’s extremely popular competition for “INTERNATIONAL HYPOCRITE OF THE YEAR” and “LIAR OF THE YEAR. These renowned awards are also waiting for your nominations.
Unfortunately, Anthony Shadid, Liar of the Year alumnus, died on the back of an horse while illegally entering Syria this year. His partner-photographer ignorantly hoisted him on the back of the same horse whose allergens caused Mr. Shadid’s fatal respiratory attack. Oh. woe! You will not be able to include him on our list.
SYRPER’S WEEKLY BRAINTEASER FOR APRIL 25, 2012: Here we go again with our wildly popular weekly quiz designed to test the mettle of all you genii. The prize this week is a “love session” with Guru Maharishi Shree Rajneesh Proscia at his Ann Arbor Ashram.
NUMBER ONE: Syrian “anti-government activists” are really nothing more than:
a. Thickening agents for yoghurt;
b. Anarchists devoted to the law of the jungle;
c. Winos who rebel against Syria’s Prohibition regime;
d. Procurors for child molesters in Arabia;
e. Islamist, jihadist, terrorist militants who are also procurors for child molesters in Arabia.
NUMBER TWO: Elisha Cook, Jr., the famous Hollywood character actor and second fiddle was the son of:
a. Sean Connery;
b. Elisha Cook, Sr.
c. Arnold Stang;
d. Arnold Schwarzenegger;
e. Matthew Arnold.
NUMBER THREE: Master spy Aldrich Ames was married to an high-maintenance woman, Rosario Cassar. What was her nationality?
a. Alaskan malamute?
b. Alaskan Inuit?
c. Latt Basso-Profundo?
e. Lebanese/Colombian witch?
NUMBER FOUR: How many Saudi men does it take to replace a broken toilet seat in the morning?
a. At least two; one to read the instruction while the other struggles with the task;
b. One. Saudi men are historically brilliant craftsmen and handymen;
c. Eight, with one being an engineer;
d. Eleven, this is a sufficient number to insure legally required coffee breaks;
e. None. Saudis cannot wake up in the morning and rely on Sri Lankans for these tasks.
NUMBER FIVE: How can you tell that Italian people are so artistic?
a. They speak with a lisp. All Italians are really closet homosexuals;
b. They gesture wildly with their hands. Only artists do that;
c. Their ideas are almost always crackpottish. Artists are known for spaced-out ideas;
d. Their cities reek of raw sewage in their canals – a sure sign of an artist colony;
e. They have hundreds of different shapes for their pasta. It’s really stupid.
NUMBER SIX: Jean Luc Picard, James T. Kirk, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Flash Gordon have one thing in common. What is it?
a. They all belong to “Fitness USA” on Uranus;
b. They are all products of the Twentieth Century Fox stable of child actors;
c. They are stableboys for the pedophile prince of Catarrh;
d. They are ardent Obama supporters;
e. They probably have male genitalia.
NUMBER SEVEN: Which food is served best with Klaus Hopfeller Elbetrockenbeerenspatlesewein?
a. Human knuckes;
b. The membranes of an aardvaark’s snout;
c. German potato salad;
d. Jello and bananas;
e. There is no such wine.
NUMBER EIGHT: Which location most correctly describes where James Proscia was born?
a. In Hell!!!!
b. A sewer in Staten Island;
d. The YMCA in Newark;
e. Long Island.
NUMBER NINE: Britain’s best kept secret is its wine region. Where is it?
NUMBER TEN: What word best describes the writing style of Jubran Khalil Jubran:
Remember, you can’t use pen and pencil.