March 15, 2012 – SYRPER BRAINTEASER OF THE WEEK. Popular demand for our weekly ordeal of intellect versus the crushing weight of the universe has led to many readers threatening the lives of the editorial staff if an installment does not appear as expected. Those of us who value our lives, though they be too short, have responded with a new mind-pulverizing set of questions. You are allotted only one hour to finish this one. Good luck!
1. The etymology of the Farsi (Persian) word “Bozorg” is:
c. Buzz off!?
d. The Borg Org.
e. The etymology could be unknown.
2. The beloved melody: “Yes, We Have No Bananas” is from what show?
a. King Kong Rapes Panama?
b. Chiquita’s Sins?
c. Bonamo Turkish Taffy’s “Strawberry Fields”?
d. “Joe Bonanno and Sammy the Bull: a Story of Loyalty”
e. Prince Pedophile of Qatar’s production of “My Wife is Named Banana”?
3. The North American Boy Lovers Association rates Qatar as best for buggery. What’s the second?
b. Saudi Arabia?
e. All of the above.
4. Incidents of child molestation in the U.K. are attributed to the following major factor:
a. The English are perverts. They’ve always been like that.
b. England is close to France and the French exert a profoundly deviant effect on the English.
c. English boys crave abuse and demand it as part of their secondary education.
d. English doctors prescribe buggery as a means to control alcohol consumption.
e. The influx of Arabians from the Gulf area and their purchase of U.K. football teams.
5. Qatar has called for military intervention in Syria. How do the Qataris propose to do that?
a. By sending their massive army of 6 pedophiles to the Jordanian border?
b. By using their only U.S. manufactured jet to bomb the Ka’abah?
c. By fielding a force of Janissaries made up of Romanian male orphans abducted from Europe?
d. By having local pearl divers swim to Syria’s shores to attack prepubescent males?
e. By paying Libyan savages $100.00 to caterwaul on Turkey’s borders.
6. What automobile most reflects the sartorial tastes of Saudi Arabian women?
a. The Yugo because it’s a good start for women who are not allowed to drive;
b. The Corvair because it’s not manufactured anymore and presents no enticement;
c. The Bentley because it’s so plush and stylish;
d. The DeLorean with its cool wing-flap doors;
e. The black VW Bug, because it looks like, well, Saudi Arabian women.
7. Benihana is a name derived from what language?
a. It’s from the Arabic: Bani Hanna, a Christian tribe in Jordan;
b. It’s from the Sanskrit and means “Bathe in this sewer, Now!”;
c. It’s from the Italian and refers to the beautiful “Veni Vanna”, Berlusconi’s temporary Shi’ite wife;
d. It’s from Brooklyn Yiddish: “Benny, Haaaa, Whaaaa, Naaaaaa?”
e. It was made up by clever, bloodsucking businessmen to make you think it’s Japanese.
8. “All Morons Must Die” is a 1950’s cult classic remade in 1999 about what subject?
a. A group of snobs from Boston decide to rid the world of scum living on the South side;
b. A team of U.S. assassins target McCarthyists in Congress;
c. MENSA goes haywire and hooks up with George Lincoln Rockwell to kill all nincompoops;
d. A tribe of Spam-Eating freaks is targeted for death by the Rabbinical Council of the Bronx;
e. Aramco’s plot to have all Peninsular Arabians poisoned with arsenic.
9. Ezra Pound, the great American poet, was born in what country?
a. Italy, where his father was a ranking fascist supporting Mussolini;
b. England, where his name was used to designate the British currency;
c. Belize, because his concubine mother was sent away to deliver him to the God Chakmool;
d. The Falkland Islands where he would be Pontifex Maximus of the Ovine Breed;
e. Idaho, the United States. (Although he’s really from Pennsylvania).
10. The liquor called Absinthe is consumed mostly by what class of individuals?
a. French poets who are dying of syphilis;
b. French painters who are dying of syphilis;
c. Spanish procureurs who are fighting death by booga booga;
d. French felons living on Tahiti;
e. Self-important boulevardiers and wastrels who are inevitably French.