SECOND POST – March 25, 2012 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE REPORT: “FIRST LADY OF SYRIA INCONSOLABLY MIFFED BY EU IMPOSITION OF SANCTIONS; DEMANDS NORTH KOREA NUKE BELGIUM!” Balene Buffing-Dipthong reporting from Beijing and Pyongyang.
It’s a cold and blustery day here in the North Korean capital as news widens of high ranking army officers meeting to discuss Syrian First Lady, Asma Al-Assad’s, demand that Chairman Kim Jong Un “level Belgium or any other louse-ridden EU country”. The First Lady’s rage over sanctions being imposed upon her and her aging mother-in-law has driven her to “madness”. One report leaked from the Syrian president’s office describes Mrs. Assad charging into her husband’s office, during a meeting with Defence Minister Lt. Gen. Dawood Rajha, and exhorting him to use “your stupid big missiles to get those bastards!”
The Syrian First Lady reportedly told Dr. Assad in this meeting: “If you don’t get them, Bash, I’ll ask Nasrallah to do it!”
Dr. Assad was profoundly affected by his wife’s response to the EU’s imposition of sanctions and freezing of her assets and tried to assuage her feelings by reminding her that she had no assets in the EU and that she remained a British subject where her investments could not be touched. He also promised she could travel to Rio De Janeiro next week for a shopping spree. This appears to have mollified the First Lady who reportedly sent an E-Mail to Kim Jong Un asking him to “put the nuke plan on the back burner” while she checked out Rio’s boutiques. The world breathed a sigh of relief with the news that a nuclear catastrophe was avoided.
The president’s mother, Anisa Makhlouf Assad, has been very quiet about the EU sanctions. Given her age and indifference to all things European, it has been speculated that the octogenarian former first lady “couldn’t give a hoot” about the whole affair and described Baroness Catherine Ashton of the EU as “a frumpy old hag with a dog’s eyes”.
Baroness Ashton would not comment to MNS after Anisa Assad’s remarks comparing her eyes to those of a dog.