SECOND POST – March 30, 2012 –
NOBLE DEFENDER CHARITABLE FOUNDATION
An American Group Dedicated to True Freedom
“You just sit, we take the hit”.
Beauregarde Suckling, Noble Defender founder and president
We are a non-profit organization committed to frustrating law enforcement by legal means. Our toll-free number 1-800-000-0000 has saved thousands of lives. How do we do it?
When you call Noble Defender you are promised a trained, aware and tenacious advocate and chaperon. We specialize in accompanying you to bars, pubs and cocktail lounges. We sit with you and insure no harm comes to you. All you have to do is buy our SPECIALISTS’ drinks. Imagine, no more fearful rides home at early hours past rapacious and quota-driven cops. You just sit, and we’ll take the hit.
Rufus Saltpeter of Romulus, Michigan, was accompanied home along with the keg of beer he purchased for the annual Road Warrior picnic. He was very happy when he awoke in his own bed.
Many of our specialists are former Army Rangers, Special Forces, Navy SEALS and other rugged individualists from a whole spectrum of international special-ops units. All of our specialists are also unapologetic chronic alcoholics who can sit with you the entire evening without displaying one sign of drunkenness. And when you are ready to leave, whether supine or erect, you have our people right there to take you home. All you have to do is pick up their bill!!!
Former Chief Warrant Officer, Filbert Grandiose and active duty sniper, Sgt. Sigmund Rave, are only two of our stable of “specialists” ready to save your bacon when the time comes.
Listen to testimonials from our customers:
“I was at this bar yesterday and was getting plowed on beer. I knew there was no way to get home without cops settin’ on me. I called NOBLE DEFENDER and they sent this Arab guy, Diaz, or something, and he sat with me and drank martinis until it was time to go home. But then I changed my mind and told him he could leave without me. He was great. He didn’t care as long as I paid his tab. His being there made me feel like a real person. His bill was only $48.00!” James Proscia, Member of the Hispanic Bar Association.
Jim Proscia, seen here after a night of heavy drinking, can’t think of enough words to thank NOBLE DEFENDER.
And you can feel like a real person too. Feel the freedom only a protected species can feel. Flick that stealthy cop the bird! And all you have to do is call our number and have sufficient cash or credit cards on hand to cover our specialists’ liquor charges. That’s all you have to do.
Anthony Proscia, Jim’s cousin, has thanked Noble Defender many times for helping his cousin to a better, and safer life.
Here’s just a short list of what we do for you:
1. Drive you home when your BAC is at any illegal limit;
2. Get your keys in the door at no cost;
3. Insure you are safely on your sofa. (We charge a minimal fifth of your favorite liquor in your
cabinet for this essential service).
4. Inform the bar’s management about your car to insure its availability when you awaken;
5. Drive you to the nearest hospital in the event of a coronary crisis;
6. Defend you against assailants whom you might goad into irrational actions;
7. Evade police cars trying to stop your vehicle; (All our operatives are armed with automatic weapons and camouflage equipment);
8. And don’t forget, WE TAKE THE HIT. SO YOU JUST SIT.
If you’re ready, so are we. Call us tonight. We work 7/24 and eschew holidays. Let Noble Defender be your chaperon and kiss the cops goodbye. Beauregarde Suckling, your friend.