THIRD POST – January 15, 2012. 

Did you ever ask yourself how the BBC, the NYT and Rami Abdel-Rahman of the Syrian Lavatory for Human Rights get their news?  Well, did you?  Like most of the hoi polloi you probably don’t think much about the events of the day or how they are transmitted to you.  But we, at both SyrPer and the Mercury News Service know how it’s done.  Let’s have a look at how Rami Abdel-Rahman, Annual Tony Blair International Liar Award laureate, gets his news:

          This is the hand of Rami Abdel-Rahman gathering information for the BBC and the NYT
That’s right folks, Mr. Abdel-Rahman uses a Ouija Board to divine the secrets of the universe and to unlock the keys to all the data required to convince the world that 14 people died today in the unrest in Syria.  It is also said that MI6, England’s equivalent of the CIA, does the same thing but compares notes after Mr. Abdel-Rahman identifies a subject for investigation.

But we, at SyrPer and the MNS, do not rely on Ouija Boards or astrological tables to penetrate the secrets of the universe.  No, we have a much better technique which we suggest Mr. Abdel-Rahman take up lest his credibility fall into disrepute after the publication of our article.  This is what you need to graduate to, Mr. Abdel-Rahman:

That’s the ticket!  A deck of Tarot cards will improve your believability score by at least two notches.  Sure, it requires some training.  Or, does it?  A man of your special abilities in the realm of
fabrication and pathological lying will have no difficulty using the symbols on each card to tickle a curiosity or maybe,  some unused cell of imagination.  This is the new way into the world of lying.

And now our presentation on the issue of America’s inexorable wading into the miasma of the Persian Gulf.  This article is prepared by the editor with the assistance of Gunther Karauschessen.

Sure the U.S. has 18 or more aircraft carriers.  Sure we have still over 100,000 troops in the Gulf ready to defend the thrones of all bedizened, benighted and befuddled tyrants.  Sure we have satellite intelligence second to none; we have, moreover, the ability to listen in on every sub rosa parlay taking place in Tehran or Qum or Isfahan or Godthaab, for that matter.  Yes, we have smart missiles that explode in a dumb fashion; nuclear weapons of a tactical type with BUNKER BUSTING BOMBASTIC BOMBS and droning DRONES that slither through the air like gliders, filming evil-doing dastards, knaves and scoundrels as they hatch their plots against our imperial countenance.  Yes, yes and yes.  But now, let us consider that the cynosure of the conflict is some tight waterway along whose two navigable sea lanes travel gigantic oil tankers the size of Brooklyn, each bursting at the seams with Arabian and Persian tea.  Hmmm.

Let us say this:  We don’t give a damn about Qatar and want that little enclave of morbidity eradicated from the face of the planet. We explicitly demand that Iran, in any war with the U.S., destroy an oil tanker along a known current which will transport the cargo as liquid right on to Qatar’s coastline. 

SyrPer’s resident special effects wizard, Philo Oglethorpe, demonstrates what ideal swimming conditions will be for Qatari tourism during the next World Cup competition. 
The Strait of Hormuz is about 30 miles in width, give or take a few furlongs due to the tides.  Ships traversing that route are visible during the day to anyone with a good set of binoculars.  It is on the shores of that waterway that Iran has amassed hundreds of potential launching sites for their silkworm, anti-ship missiles which include the most advanced “Qadir” generation cruise missile.  Now, it is expected that the U.S. will rejoinder with the usual “don’t worry, we have a plan” or “ah, that’s just their medieval technology”.  Really?  At SyrPer we think the Iranians have really good scientists and engineers.  If they fire ten cruise missiles at one lumbering oil tanker, one is going to hit.  When it sinks, it will become a major obstacle to sea travel, leaving aside the environmental catastrophe that is sure to follow.

But what about our invincible navy?  As one observer wrote, the size of the area is like a telephone booth with two people having at one another with stilettos.  Yes, the Americans enjoy technological superiority; but to what extent will that advantage be compromised by the lack of elbow room?  If we mass ships, as we should not, the Iranians can blind-target our vessels and create an even worse obstruction along the route.  If we don’t make a presence along the strait, how can we protect vessels as they ply the waterway within visual range of Iran’s missiles and artillery?

Our aircraft are the best in the world and will succeed in destroying many Iranian missile launchers. But be careful here.  All countries with advanced missile technology use dummy sites to drain the enemies resources and to cause confusion.  Additionally, the Iranians are masters at tunnel-building techniques (even Ahmadinajad wrote papers about underground tunnels).  Many of the launchers they use will be hidden underground and only revealed at times of launch. 

We have another problem.  Iran’s Revolutionary Islamic Guard have mastered a technique of naval warfare called “swarm tactics” during which small, very maneuverable swift boats, attack a larger naval vessel the way sharks might attack a wounded whale.  The members of the IRIG are prepared to die kamikaze style.  This style of fighting is very effective and can result in heavy casualties for our sailors.

But what of Iran’s human assets in Arabian countries like Saudi Arabia and Iraq?   There can be no beating around the bush here.  Iran has planned to wreak havoc in the oil fields at Dhahran and elsewhere.  Iraqi Shi’is, and there are millions of them, can be expected to volunteer for any action against the U.S., and its allies.  Sabotaging oil derricks, reservoirs and docked oil tankers is just one of the horror stories which we can expect to read about as this conflict grinds on.  And do not forget Hizbollah.  It’s alliance with and dependence upon Iran will pay dividends when that organization activates its allies and agents around the world to attack U.S. interests. 

But there is even more.  Iran’s arsenal of ground-to-ground missiles, like the Sijjil, will rain down on Arabian oil fields despite our vaunted anti-missile shields.  The effectiveness of our anti-missile missiles, like the Arrow, is much in doubt.  If the shield does not work as well as some expect, then all hell will break loose along the belly of Arabia.  Oil prices will reach the stratosphere as demand far outstrips supply.  We here in the U.S. may see gas prices reach $10.00 per barrel.  Obama may watch his chances for re-election vaporize like so much silica in a gust of wind. 

This article will continue after lunch.  Or maybe a beer, maybe.