November 14, 2011 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE ALERT – PRINCE TUBBY OF GUTTER IS ELATED WITH SANDUSKY AS AMBASSADOR TO HIS COUNTRY. In yet another diplomatic tour de force by President Obama, Qatar has expressed “endless elation with the appointment of legendary child buggerer Jerry Sandusky”. Prince Fatso’s office indicated a swift approval and acceptance of his credentials upon presentation. It is also expected that the prince will preside over a traditional Qatari male extravagaza with nude Romanian boys being offered to Ambassador Sandusky for his delectation, communal showers and nude dancing. However, MNS has learned that Mr. Sandusky is hesitant about the appointment while an criminal investigation is under way. His lawyer, SHELDON SCHEISSGRUBER, has commented that his client will only accept the appointment with a commitment by the Qatari government to provide him asylum in the event a case is filed.
Secretary of State Hillary Fathams Clinton denounced the request as “pure fantasy” but cautioned that she could change her mind if the newly appointed ambassador submitted to child molester counseling in Qatar as part of an agreement. We shall keep you informed as events develop.