MERCURY NEWS SERVICE REPORT – Ondine Marmoset-Slivery reporting. This just in from American diplomatic circles: Robert Ford, disgraced American ambassador to Syria, has announced his retirement from what he termed, “roiling the waters, so to speak”. The ambassador got into some hot water of his own when he persisted in meeting with Syrian opposition figures and wound up exposing them to surveillance and arrest. He became so popular that his telephone was constantly monitored by fun-seeking Syrian intelligence agents who made bets as to who was going to be arrested next. Mr. Ford, was honoured with the EGON KRENZ (STASI) AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE SERVICE OF THE SYRIAN SECURITY ESTABLISHMENT (also called the Pied Piper of Hamelin Award) and receives a stipend of three rubles every month. General Ali Mamlouk, Syria’s intelligence supremo, stated to this reporter in fluent English that: “We’ll really miss that guy. He was the best agent I ever had.”
But that’s not all. Evidently, Mr. Ford, never to leave the world of bombastic excess, is now letting fly a trial balloon involving his partnership with television SCHLOCK-TITAN and PROFESSIONAL VEERDO, GERALDO RIVERA. The two men appear to be a close match for a new programme being aired by Fox News called “THE NEWS AS WE MAKE IT”. The programme apparently extols the virtues of fabrication and puffing in a way that show producer Barley Kornblattz called, “Wacko news for the Meat Generation. Bound to go nuclear, huh?” Indeed.
Geraldo Rivera weighed in with this comment: “When I heard Robert was skulking around Syria and meeting all those wild jihadists, I said, Whoah! I need that guy for my new show. It’s going to be better than that safe for Al Capone. Remember that?” Yes, we do, Geraldo. He a added that he was trying to get a bigger act with Robert Ford and Baghdad Bob who is in Dubai.
Victoria Nuland, spokessomething for the State Department, was visibly shaken by the news that Mr. Ford was going into the world of Extreme News and leaving the diplomatic service. She did concede one thing:
“I think all his contacts in Syria, the jihadists and salafists, will be great fodder for his audience. You know, Geraldo says he’s half-jewish and I’m sure everybody will get a kick out the programme.” We get the news as it develops.
JAMES PROSCIA HAS REJECTED THE ROLE OF HAMID KARZAI. In a snub to the world of glitter, Michigan patent attorney, failed Harvard chemist and legendary beer maven, James Proscia, has declined to accept the dream role of Hamid Karzai in the Thirtieth Century Weasel production of the movie of the same name. Proscia claimed (in a rude voice reminiscent of East Coast stevedores), “Aaahm naaah shoor, huh? whaa?”. Professor Aliut Cevescnik, of Columbia’s Department of Arcane Linguistics translated the statement as: “I’m not sure I can do it. What do you mean?”. According to his associates, Mr. :Proscia felt that the work would interfere with his beer drinking: “An dats naaah sometin y’now whaa for nah weh, Haarible, haarible!”. Thank you, Mr. Proscia.
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE SECRET REPORT: Oscar Armless reporting from somewhere in the Libyan Sahara. I know where the Colonel is buried. Those Libyan idiots didn’t figure on the sand blowing in the wind. There he is, with a BIG HOLE in his head, beckoning the multitudes to join him in death. Wow.
His middle finger has emerged erect due to rigor mortis and he appears to be taunting me with it. I mean, what kind of ultramaroons would dump a guy in a giant sandtrap? Yet, there he is. I’ll try to get some photos for our readers but I fear the Catholic Censorship Council might object. My binoculars show him sneering at me while gesturing wildly and vulgarly in the wind. Is this a proper islamic burial? Mmm.