MERCURY NEWS SERVICE: QADDAFI’S DEATH BECAUSE OF AMERICAN SATELLITES; HAMID KARZAI ON HIS WAY TO HOLLYWOOD OR BOLLYWOOD;

SECOND POST – October 24, 2011 – Hello to my new readers in Pakistan.  I will make sure to include exclusive reportage from the Subcontinent. 

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE REPORT FROM PARIS – Siobhan Shreve-Gadnut reporting.  It is has been confirmed to the MNS by French diplomats who will only speak on the condition of anonymity because that is what all sources tell the New York Times, that ‘IT WASN’T THE PLANES, IT WAS SATELLITES THAT KILLED THE BEAST”.  With a witty take-off on that immortal last line from King Kong, the unknown French diplomat (he’s really Jacques Foofeur-Quist) has announced that American satellite intelligence alerted NATO to Colonel Qaddafi’s departure from Sirte which enabled the jet planes to bomb his convoy.  It was the interdiction by NATO which caused the arrest of the Colonel and his son, Mu’tasim, by the democracy loving, peaceful rebels who quickly made short work of the former Libyan dictator and King of Kings.  His son, Mu’tasim, was last seen in front of a video camera smoking his last cigarette.  He was then shot to death by those same freedom-loving rebels with his body rolled out next to his father’s in a partly-functional butcher freezer.  Monsieur Foofeur-Quist remarked with  typical Gaullist sanguinity that: “You know, the cigarette was very nice gesture (sic), especially for these `sauvages'”.  U.S. government officials refused our efforts to clarify the situation and referred us to Robert Ludlum whom we presumed was dead. If the story is true as told by the French,  President Obama deserves to be called “Pistol Pete” for his targeted assassinations of Ousama Ben Laden, Anwar Al-Awlaki and, now, the Bad Boy of Benghazi, Muammar Al-Qaddafi.  More news on this as events unfold.  MNS.

You can tell the situation in Syria is vastly improved for Dr..Assad.  Normally, the Russian president, Medvyedev and his Iranian counter-part would never criticise Syria if the situation were dire.  Assessments by both countries clearly indicate that we’re over the hump and out of the woods, to boot.  Here is their chance now to pretend to higher principals by collectively asking President Assad to move more quickly in the direction of reforms.  All this hot air is stifling.  But it’s all right if it makes good copy for those two lame duck presidents. 

I like Hamid Karzai.  He’s a bit kooky and puckish.  He represents everything that is corrupt, indecent and inane.  Today, he rails against NATO because it kills innocent Afghan civilians about whom he could care less.  Tomorrow he praises America for its sacrifices knowing fully well that if it weren’t for 9-11, the U.S. would just as soon invite him to Washington as a refugee.  Yesterday, he declared that he would fight alongside Pakistan in a war between it and the U.S.!  Don’t say Americans don’t have curious allies.  But I think he’s colorful with his wild assortment of Asiatic-looking hats and baggy pants all meant to look oh so provincial and down-to-earth. If Hollywood wanted to make a movie about Karzai, who would be cast in the lead role?  Who would direct this movie?  And, even more importantly; who would want to see it? 

I believe our friend here in Michigan, Jim Proscia, looks just like Karzai but for about 150 lbs he needs to lose.  In the style of DeNiro for his role as Jake LaMotta, in “Raging Bull”, Proscia, who claims Italian and some Puerto Rican heritage, can slough off the weight and emerge looking eerily like our Afghan friend.  Jim is a Harvard Ph.D. in Chemistry, an ideal field to prepare him for the nuanced performance he will deliver as Afghanistan’s Supreme Founding Father.  Jim will require about 38 cans of beer per diem, a whopping quantity which investors may view as excessive.  But when they learn that the crate of beer is all he requires for the performance, they will probably relent and cough up the necessary funding.  The movie will be the rage in Kabul.  If viewers can avoid bombs on their way to the theatre, placed there, of course, by enraged Taliban insurgents who will threaten the production staff with HD-quality video-taped beheadings, the film will be Boffo!  Like Al Gore, Karzai will become Academy Award material.  The title will be, naturally: “KARZAI! MAN FOR ALL SEASONS”. or ‘BANZAI, ITS KARZAI: SAMURAI OF BALI HAI”.  I know that Alan Parker, Tim Burton and Jonathan Demme have expressed an interest in directing this epic. We will keep you informed.