LYING AS ADDICTION; AN INTERVIEW WITH CAMBRIDGE RESEARCHER IAIN PLUNGE-ROCKNIVORE; ALFRED E. NEWMAN PRIZE FOR FICTIONAL CHARLATANS AND LIARS AWARDED TO RAMI ABDEL-RAHMAN; TWEEDLE CAM SENDS PRINCE FATSO HIS BEST WISHES FOR SPEEDY RECOVERY.

October 3, 2011 – FIRST POST –

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE SPECIAL REPORT: Brunhilde Liebesbombe reporting special to MNS:

Many questions have been asked about the “lying addiction”: do you have to be a liar in order to be addicted?  Or, can one be addicted to another person’s lying?  The latter issue is one being researched by Cantabridgian Scholar, Iain Plunge-Rocknivore, III, at England’s Cambridge University School of Genetic Anthropology.  We sat for an interview on September 23, 2011.

BL:  What does it mean to be an addict to lying?
P-R: It’s terribly similar to any other addiction but, of course, it is not ingested or inhaled in the literal sense.
It does, however, have the same clinical characteristics.  It is best observed when the source of the    
lying is denied to the patient.  Over a period of hours or days, the subject becomes clammy, sweaty and irrational.  Once the lying is restored, an amazing recovery takes place.  But, the disease is there in all its maliciousness.           
BL:  Mmmm.  Can you describe any kind of rise or fall in the number of victims this addiction claims?
P-R: Well, now we are talking about epidemiology, aren’t we?  We’ve noticed, for example, that since Anthony Shadid of the New York Times was reassigned to North Africa, his reporting on the Syrian situation simply stopped.  Many of our readers who sat with the NYT for months reading his fabrications were positively devastated by the absence of his articles.  We had a rush at the clinic’s emergency treatment division with many of our physicians at a loss to find an appropriate panacea for this seemingly odd syndrome.
BL:  What was the treatment favoured by your staff.
P-R:  Now, since its the need for lying, we obtained as many copies of the NYT as we could from March 2011 until September and read the articles written by Shadid to the patients.  While this comforted them for a short time, the repetition of old lies simply wouldn’t cut it, so to speak.  We had to find other, newer, sources of lying which would be absorbed as new.
BL:  My god! What were the most notable signs of withdrawal?
P-R:  Oh, it was just dreadful.  Shaking, vomiting, retching, clawing, self-scratching as though the patient suffered from an allergy.  There were delirious rantings.  We could treat some of these signs with strong narcotics, such as morphine,  but feared creating a new addiction to the drugs.  It was the need for lying that was the most praeternatural of all things.  We needed to attack the source.
BL:  And what methodologies have you generated?
P-R: I’d be lying to you if I said we had any.  We have asked Her Majesty’s government to fund a new INSTITUTE FOR PATHOLOGICAL LYING ADDICTION-REVERSE-SYNDROME.  Mr. Cameron’s government has promised help, although, you know what those blokes are?  (laughing)  I’m afraid so.  We’re not very close to any cure or treatment protocol.  We just have to keep lying to our patients which makes them happy.  It’s not helping also that the NYT has deployed Mr. Anthony Shadid to another location in North Africa.  His lying about Syria was very therapeutic.
BL: Thank you Dr. Plunge-Rocknivore for your insights.

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE ROUND-UP- Monday, October 3, 2011 – Rowena Laksawandapanda,  chief archivist for MNS reporting from Rugby, U.K.

It’s now final.  The International Society of Charlatans has bestowed upon Syrian Lavatory for Human Rights director and sole member, the ALFRED E. NEWMAN PRIZE FOR LEADERSHIP IN CHARLATANRY AND FICTIONAL ONTOLOGY.  Yes, the prize named after Mad Magazine’s immortal mascot, Alfred E. Newman, a fictional character drawn thousands of times by master artists and caricaturists,  Mort Drucker and Jack Rickard, is now the property of Mr Abdel-Rahman.  A creation of Sir John Scarlett, former head of MI6, but whose fantasy existence was rigorously maintained by Sir John’s successor, Richard Billing Dearlove, and Dame Eliza Manningham-Buller, Head of MI5,  Abdel-Rahman, whose fabricated resume includes a fictional Syrian-born wife, fictional young daughter, unfindable Coventry bookstore, secular philosophy akin to that of communist christian columnist and minor pest, Michel Kilo, 200 fibbed sources in Syria, and his self-described “false earnestness I learned to perfect thanks to Tony Blair.”  By simply being quoted in the BBC once, his concatenation of  fabricated quotidian reports drawn from unidentified sources in Syria concerning the unrest in that country became the de riguer fodder which fueled the works of MAESTRO LIAR, SAUDI BOY-PET, and QATARI TOUBJI PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR,  ANTHONY SHADID.  Mr. Abdel-Rahmans’s techniques included Ouija Boards and traveling gypsy fortune tellers for the statistical evidence he foisted upon the world.  But do not underestimate his role in the murderous rampage of the Muslim Brotherhood and other takfiri movements inside Syria.  Egged on by Madame Hillary Fat-Hams Clinton and her MI6 allies (all puppeteers and impersonators) and stuffy Whitehall popinjays,  Abdel-Rahman reached new heights in the pursuit of perfect charlatanry. His daily reports were of the “Dragnet variety”: “just the facts ma’m”.  The only problem, of course, was that the “facts” were nothing more than the inventions of MI6 Disinformation/Misinformation/No-Information staff members at Vauxhall Cross playing on their Ouija Boards.  Every day a somewhat credible snippet of information would “leak” out: “two demonstrators were killed by government forces today in Idlib” – or maybe it was in Latakia or Tartous.  It made no difference that no names were ever announced.  MI6 even used the “Free Syria” blogsite to calculate numbers of dead, even though that site was notorious for using Syrian citizens who died of natural causes to fatten up the daily tally.  They even made up names of fictional Syrians when Madame Clinton was outraged that some days went by without “DEATHS!!!!”.  “I WANT DEATHS!!!”

The Alfred E. Newman prize entitles the winner to a lifetime subscription to Mad and Cracked magazines delivered to MI6 HQ at Vauxhall Cross. In addition to this, Mr. Abdel-Rahman will have his fictional face drawn by Syrian caricaturist and penitent, Ali Farzat, based on undocumented accounts of his appearance.  Efforts to contact Dame Manningham-Buller or anyone else, for that matter,  to acknowledge the prize have been icily thwarted.  Syrian Ambassador to London, Muhammad Khiyami, would not comment on his fictional Syrian countryman’s success and referred us to the ‘commercial section” at the embassy.   RL

British P.M. David Cameron sent Prince Drum Son of Double-Drum Husband of Madame Banana his best wishes for a “speedy recovery”.  The prince has just arrived in Doha, Gutter, by ship after his effort to fly back on a U.S. chartered Hercules Transport failed to take off for “technical reasons”.  The incident in Germany where the prince was treated for “vasomotor self-implosion” led to a world-wide effort to lift the portly autocrat by use of two winches on to the sliding elevator at the rear of the giant transport plane.  When the two winches broke under the strain and the prince fell on the elevator crushing it, eminent professor of cetacean sciences at Heidelberg University, Doktor Vitus Katzenjammer,  was summoned for his counsel.
“Warum, keine Schiffe?”  He queried.  “He is zo much yellyfat!” shouted the good doctor.  “Vee must use a huge boat.”  When the prince heard that a Syrian-flagged ship, the Ibn Quasimodo, was going to be chartered out of Hamburg for the trip, he reportedly “almost had a recurrence of the implosion.”  Madame Banana who was finishing shopping in Berlin rushed to his side and comforted him: “No, my chubby date palm, no boats from Syria.”  But it was the only boat available and the blubbery despot was hoisted anyway onto the deck and, in due course,  the storage hull appointed especially for his Excellency.  Unfortunately, as part of this developing story, the Turkish government got wind of a Syrian-flagged vessel churning its way to the Suez Canal and interdicted it, forcing it to moor in Turkish-controlled Cyprus.  Imagine the humiliation when the Turkish captain, Hangliz Cengiz-Alparslan, found out he had pirated a ship containing the Guttery monarch and his banana-shaped wife.  Ankara was quick to modify the story, describing Turkish seizure of a Syrian-flagged ship coming from Semferopol on the Black Sea into the Mediterranean carrying arms.  Sure to win the admiration of the Europeans with whom the Turks want very much to curry favour, the intervention was an unqualified disaster. Guttery “Foreign Minister Doldrum Son of Humdrum the Second, condemned Turkish “treachery” and demanded the immediate return of the prince.  The Turks released the ship and it made its way to Gutter going the wrong way down the Suez Canal. The prince arrived in Doha today to receive Mr. Cameron’s message of good will but suffered a “minor” relapse after learning the ship was owned by Rami Makhlouf.