I want to apologize to my readers if I caused them any anxiety yesterday by not posting a report. If any of you experienced spastic tic-like facial sensations or aphasia, please try to understand that I became overly occupied with so many dreadful obligations that I had no energy left to spew out my usual concatenation of drivel. I’ll try to improve.
September 13, 2011 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE: Achsel Dingelgummer in Damascus. The Higher Syrian Council for National Security has appointed Brigadier General Hassoun Kebabji the task of announcing the award of the EGON KRENZ MEMORIAL PIED PIPER OF HAMLIN AWARD to none other than, AMBASSADOR ROBERT FORD OF THE U.S. EMBASSY IN DAMASCUS! Mr. Ford, distingished himself by assisting Syrian security services in locating insurgents, salafists, takfiris, Muslim Brotherhood terrorists and other undesirables. The trophy is fashioned from rare damascene quartz and contains a copper plaque upon which is written:
“The government of Syria expresses its most sincere gratitude to a man who did more than anyone else in helping to stamp out the the plague of reactionary logic. Mr. Ford, your ill-advised trips to Hama and elsewhere resulted in the arrest of so many enemies of the Syrian people that this award may only be granted to you with the understanding that you are now a champion of the Baath Party.”
Efforts to contact the embassy in Damascus met with failure. Telephone calls resulted only in the oft-repeated message that “if you want a visa and are a Syrian citizen, expect to wait eleven years. If you wish to convey your thoughts to the ambassador, please fill out a form at the door of the embassy. But, be aware, filling out these forms can lead to unintended consequences.” Calls were also put in to the French embassy where Monsieur Eric Chevallier, Ambassador of France and resident obnoxious Frenchman, was believed to be a contender for the Egon Krenz award. The French head of station, Utrecht Blandevelour, merely said that “our congratulations to Mr Ford. He is truly the Pied Piper of Hama.”. (click).
General Kebabji had an aside with some reporters and told us with a huge, mustachioed grin that Mr. Ford should receive the Umayyad Medal, Syria’s highest honour, for his incredible work in fluting the “rats of Syria out and leading them, like lemmings, into the Orontes River.” From the staff of SyrianPerspective and the Mercury News Service, “CONGRATULATONS AMBASSADOR FORD”.
The Libyan Transitional Council of Tailors, Farmers, Unemployed Cart-Peddlers, Bedouins, Tuaregs, Ibadis and the Oppressed of the Earth have rewarded their western allies with the declaration today that theirs will be a “moderate” islamic state relying on Shari’ah Law. No secular state for our liberators. No. We’re going right back to 7th century Yanbo complete with public floggings, stonings, beheadings and all the other goodies we don’t get here in the West. Let’s forget that these dimwits wouldn’t know Shari’ah from the Code of Hammurabi or the Libyan Parking Code, but, notwithstanding that, the very idea is tantalizing only because we can see the scurrilous shadow of Sheikh Qaradawi leaning into the scene. I predict that the Libyan experiment is going to be a disaster to rival that of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Saudi Arabian absolute tyrant, King Abdallah the Lazy, has issued a decree commending his “brothers in Islam for ensuring that Islamic culture remains eternally fifty furlongs behind everybody else.” Referring to French and British culture as “depraved, depressing, dissolute, degrading, decadent and duplicitous”, Council President Mr. Abdel-Jalil continued by thanking the NATO Alliance for its “infidel’s” help in toppling Qaddafi. He promised to give women a greater role in agriculture and Tupperware monopolies. Good show! Messrs. Cameron and Sarkozy.
Some of you, like my British friend Mark, will not like hearing this. Although it could be said that I am a bit of an anglophile, I detest British politics and foreign policy. I don’t like this business of U.K. Tornado jets soaring unchallenged in the air over Libya. I think the U.N. resolution which authorised intervention to protect civilians has been expanded far beyond its ordinary meaning. I agree with sage Russia that the Libyan experience should not be repeated elsewhere.
But, I am miffed at the British and French for participating openly in the sedition in Syria. Now that the unrest is winding down to a mild eructation of wind, Syria should exact vengeance. Syrian SA-9 missiles fired by retired Syrian soldiers paid by Col. Qaddafi is one answer. Syria has massive reserves of well-trained infantry and armour personnel. They should be encouraged to fight on the side of Qaddafi even though I despise the man and hold him reponsible for the torture-death of my beloved professor, Amr Al-Nami who taught me “fiqh” at the University of Michigan. The very idea that these old colonial powers could return to our lands is repugnant. The message sent by the Vanquisher King Rukneddin Baybars Al-Bunduqdari at Antioch has apparently gone unnoticed, The message must be reasserted. I say send volunteers from our armies such as the Palestine Liberation Army Yarmuk Brigade, Saiqa, PFLP-GC,
SSNP and anyone else who wants to make an honest buck. We cannot ask Hizbollah to participate; that’s like asking Imam Ali to help Muawiya. I predict its going to happen. Qaddafi, has something up his sleeve. It’s not over yet. Well!