August 27, 2011 – This straight from Syria. All my sources tell me that this last weekend was the most uneventful of all. That’s right, demonstrations were few in number and mostly in “INTELLECTUAL CAPITALS” of the country in the far eastern corner. The notoriously dishonest dissident movement claims that two people died yesterday although my sources say “they probably died of old age”. The Syrian army is relaxing more and getting geuinely meaningful rest. Army reserves are being released back to civilian life. The salafists have been largely captured or killed, the latter playing a major role in the teaching of human anatomy at Syrian medical schools. The former are awaiting judgment.
The UN investigators in Syria gave the U.S. a nightmare: NO HUMANITARIAN CRISIS IN SYRIA! No kidding? You mean all those fat people demonstrating are not suffering from malnutrition or depression? WHAT ABOUT DENIAL OF MEDICAL TREATMENT TO ALL THOSE TRAITORS, SEDITIONISTS AND TERRORISTS who get shot because they fire at our soldiers or throw rocks at policemen? THE UN DOES NOT STATE THAT MEDICAL TREATMENT IS DENIED TO ANYONE. All the bloody inspectors say is that the government is using “excessive force”. Even that is pure poppycock. When you have demonstrators defying police officers’ orders to “stand down” and “dissipate”, the right to use force is absolutely necessary to maintian order. AND WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? The stinking EU and its zionist American Masters have already imposed on Syria everything but their sewage bill. What other leverage do you have? I REALLY WISH GORDON BROWN WAS BACK AS PM.
MERCURY NEW SERVICE EXCLUSIVE: Bilary Fat-Hams Clinton is unable to speak clearly and has started to stutter. Doctors were called in yesterday to evaluate Mrs Clinton for what one aide called “an unexpected reaction to the latest UN report. It was like an anaphylactic shock”. It is evident that the American Secretary of State was expecting a conclusory report to justify the hypperbole, feigned disgust, outright lying and self-righteous bloviation emanating from her department and her factotum at the UN. Mildred Foxqueer, her personal assistant and amanuensis, said “on condition of anonymity” (which our news service does not respect) that she was “going to have those little scumballs arrested in New York” Doctors would not discuss her condition with the press but one member of the State Department Security Detail assigned to her vouchsafed this comment: “If you think she was obnoxious before, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. Mrs. Clinton declined to comment on her stuttering because, as Ms. Foxqueer remarked: “she is stuttering too much. She’s just shattered!”
The Metropolitan of the Syrian Orthodox Church in the Falkland Islands, ATHANATHIOS PAULOS-MAXIMILLIANOS III, has declared that Mrs. Clinton is, in fact, THE HANDMAIDEN OF BEELZEBUB, a rarely used epithet for women who cannot be admitted into the Eastern Orthodox Antiochian Rite because of “rampant unctuousness, unbridled impiety and marriage to satyrs”. Speaking to the good shepherd over the telephone due to the great distance involved in sending a live reporter, not to mention the spastic, nay, vitriolic, rolling of eyeballs in Buenos Aires, he affirmed that the declaration was in fact his own and that he did not have to clear anything with Athens, Antioch or Rio De Janeiro. “She is a lost woman. That, everyone knows”, he concluded with the sound of, seemingly, a million sheep bleating in the background.
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE: The SyrianPerspective Election Committee appears to have decided to confer the MICKEY SPILLANE PURE FICTION AWARD upon INVESTIGATIVE JUDGE DETLEV MEHLIS OF GERMANY. The awarding of the actual prize will not be announced until the coming week. So wahr mir Gott helfe! Judge Mehlis is the one. The prize carries with it a lifetime subscription to Ellery Queen Magazine, Mad Magazine and The National Enquirer. The reasons for the award to the judge will be given in a speech by committee chairman Thorvald Apfelstecher. Viele Begluckwunschungen von uns, Herr Detlev! (Sorry, no umlauts).