Ert gasses; Hanbalites Unite! Sodomites Contrite: Turkish Delight

August 30, 2011 – Finally, the Washington Post, reported about Syria’s substantial arsenal of Sarin gas, VTX, and mustard gas which I’ve been writing about for two years.  Thank you, my friend, John, legal colleague and stout Syrian for the article.  I have been saying that the Syrian government of Dr. Assad cannot view the efforts of jihadists to get their mitts on the lethal goodies with any kind of “sangre-froid”.  This is serious business.  Mr. Obama, who hasn’t quite gotten out of his Oreo-Cookie phase, has not evidently grasped the potential horror if American and EU policy is successful.  Luckily, it appears from all sources, that the unrest in Syria is the work of western intelligence agencies with very little control over their jihadist clients.  The Iranians have felt calm enough to make some critical remarks about Dr. Assad’s response to the phrenetic and somewhat discordant gobbledegook coming from bigoted towns like Der’aa or Deir El-Zor.  The Russians are adamant about any anti-government resolutions in the UNSC which means that China will line up too on the Syrian side.  What is even more jocose are networks like Al-Arabiyya interviewing Egyptian officers about the Syrian Army.  If you had sat through the interview yesterday with this officer who remarked: “Their whole army is Alawite!”, your abdomen would have busted at the seams.  Luckily, a young and idealistic dissident from Syria was there to answer that that was not so.  In any case, you will know why the Egyptians can’t win any battle.

If only Ahmad Ibn Hanbal could see the mephitic legacy he was to leave behind,  he might have joined the Mu’tazilites and snorted a draught of wine with Abu Nuwwas.  This Koranic “strict constructionist” bequeathes to us a message of unswerving backwardness in the face of immense, unprecedented human achievement.  Thanks to him, the Arab World of today produces “SQUAT” in the way of technology and contributes ZILCH to all human endeavours.  The most retarded societies in Borneo, the Amazon and the Arctic can compete favourably against Arab society for the prize in “retro-static-psychoconstipation”.  As he toasts in hell,  I hope he knows how his works have influenced the direction of society in the Arab World and how the memory of his existence makes me violently ill.

In a stinging rebuke to Prime Minister Berlusconi, winner of the annual Lord Graybeard Pedophile Award, the director of Italy’s Girl Scout Association has rejected his bid to be a Scoutmaster to sixteen female teenagers in a troop called the “Brigate Rosse Di Napoli”.  The director, Sra. Albina, commented that Mr. Berlusconi needed to concentrate on the country’s domestic situation and “stop talking about Mr. Assad stepping down” since that is “exactly what most Italians wanted Silvio to do”. At her press conference in Naples,  the director said “I wish Mr. Assad was our president.  It would  be healthier to have an eye doctor for our children than some rich child molester.”  Well.  Mr. Berlusconi’s office responded that “while we understand the director’s position, the prime minister is broken-hearted that the girls will not be attending his late summer pool-party and wet T-shirt competition on Saturday at 11:30 p.m.”  Brunhilde Liebesbombe, reporting for MNS from Palermo.

Turkey’s air force slaughters 150 alleged PKK fighters!  That’s right, the Turkish government claims that its pilots have 150 confirmed “kills”.  This astounding accomplishment, killing all those pesky Kurds while actually counting their bodies from strafe elevations in American-manufactured fighter-bombers is just short of unbelievable.  Unfortunately, as it turns out, it is exactly that.  Professor Gerd Pferdschnitzel of L’Ecole
de L’Enfant Pathetique in Strasbourg commented that: “based on my studies, whenever a government repeats round numbers, that means they killed alot of civilians. There is no doubt, they just machine-gunned everybody.”  MNS then visited the Turkish consul general in Irbil, Northern Iraq, for comment on the apparent charge that the Turkish government was acting in a “savage” manner, the same
adjective Mr. Erdoghan used to describe Syrian responses to salafist violence in that country.  The “acting”,
consul, a Mr. Kosnacoglu, smelling of near-metabolised Raki (Turkey’s national hooch) asked” “Kurds, what Kurds? I thought Saddam killed them all. You must be talking about those Yazidi kafirs.”  We responded: “Okay, well what about the Yazidis?  Are you saying that the Turkish General Staff had selected an innocent minority for devastation in order to assuage the feelings of the Turkish people?”  His response, although delivered through the veil of stupefying inebriation, was curt and to the point: “Look, I’m really not the consul for Turkey.  I just sleep with him and clean the house  He’s inside with a bad hangover.”  This was a lie.  The real Turkish general consul committed suicide last week, we learned later, and the man to whom we spoke was a “squatter” and “fugitive” from Deir El-Zor in eastern Syria.  We informed the Iraqi Northern Command of this impostor and they promised they would “do something about it when they had a chance”.  While this story appears to accomplish nothing in the way of conveying information, it does establish that reporters work hard and face difficulties in dangerous locations.  Ranulph Forger, Irbil, Northern Iraq, for MNS.