NO! IT IS NOT A LITHUANIAN TENNIS PLAYER!! FOR GOD’S SAKE.
NO! IT IS NOT A DISEASE SPREAD BY OSCAR LEVANT! HE’S AN EASTERN EUROPEAN JEW, ANYWAYS.
NO! IT IS NOT A FORM OF TINNITUS ENDEMIC TO THE LEVANT.
IT IS, HOWEVER, WIDESPREAD AND DEADLY TO POLITICAL ORGANIZATION.
All SyrPer readers are aware that the Syrian National Coalition (SNC), an American-led, Saudi-bribed and French-fed cabal of Syrian expatriates has rejected unconditionally any invitation to participate in the much-ballyhooed Geneva 2 Conference which aims to resolve the Syrian Crisis. George “Captain Kangaroo” Sabra has put the kibosh on any such involvement by sternly facing the cameras and screaming “Pffffssst!” – or so the story goes.
Stalinist George Sabra, seen here, looking imperiously at the camera after receiving his first pay check from Bandar Bush the Bouncing Orangutan of Oran.
Then, a concatenation of even sterner rebukes eructed out of Syria from over 70 fighting groups and opposition organizations denouncing the SNC and its Stalinist “Christian” chairman – who, by the way, should have been replaced months ago pursuant to the SNC Charter a la Burhan Ghalioun. But nobody wants the job or the squalid Istanbooli hotel room in which Mr. Sabra now vents his daily rages.
And, with Saudi-supported pimp and procureur, Ahmad Jarba, having handed the mantle of Prime Minister to Ahmad Tu’meh (a dentist for Pity’s Sake) of the NATIONAL COALITION OF SYRIAN REVOLUTION AND OPPOSITION FORCES (NACOSROF), we have a Saudi-supported illicit sex merchant sharing power with an epicene Saudi-hated lackey of the Muslim Brotherhood. Is there any chemistry here? We think not.
“Is it safe?” Syria’s own Dr. Christian Szell speaks out about how he had to fight gingivitis in jail for years as a result of “false charges” alleging he was stealing gold from people’s molars in Dayr El Zor.
But even more ominous still, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) just kicked the FSA out of A’zaaz in a fit of pique and threatened to attack Turkey if it didn’t open up border checkpoints to allow terrorists free access to Turkish women and shangleesh cheese. The Stratfor organization has documented hundreds of ISIS nihilists moving into southern Turkey – not to fight Dr. Assad – but to fight that nincompoop Erdoghan. Is Erdoghan in trouble? Does camembert smell?
What could be the cause of such cantankerousness? It is as though these people were somehow afflicted with a medical condition that would explain their bizarre behavior. But, why doesn’t Dr. Assad suffer from any symptoms? Certainly not the Syrian army. What is wrong?
Discovered in the year 1100 B.C. by the Canaanite astrologer and quack Jubal Ben Barca, it was first called Hiblaana Kan’aaneem or “Canaanite stupidity”. It was documented by Homer in his Iliad and Hippocrates in his “Hoi Desmoterioi Surianoi kai Pathogeneses Maroonites”. It was only when Alexander the Great finally conquered Syria and found out he couldn’t make any headway in the City State of Tyre after being attacked by whole swarms of hot falafel balls that he threw up his hands and conquered India instead. His famous dictum: “Give me 5 stubborn Macedonians, 3 Bulgarians, 1 Etruscan, half a Trebizond warrior, and you can have the whole stinking race of Syrians”, is taught at every school in Greece until today.
It was finally diagnosed and classified as a major disorder by Dr. Etwas Fremde of Freiburg University who spent 13 years in Beirut, Syria, during the reign of Sultan Mehmet VI. Fremde was being driven insane by his own “eyebrows” and what he called “these exasperating, uncontrolled, undisciplined, back-biting, disorganized clans of hummus-eating carnivorous sheep!”
Dr. Etwas Fremde in this photograph taken by Abdullah Freres after his arrival for treatment in Istanbul wildly smiles for the camera and flashes the eyebrows which made him mad. He was first diagnosed with rabies. Then, an Italian psychiatrist declared he had been around Levantines too long and needed rest at a Swiss sanitarium. He was never released and died in his holding cell.
Levantinitis was the subject of a medical report in the Beirut Medical Journal in 1963 where Professor Jean Pierre Abu-Qirwaadeeniyyaati, a University of Michigan-trained epidemiologist, declared it a “plague, a curse and a living Tingler strapped to the spine of every Lebanese person”. His suggestion? “Kill all of them!” Dr. Abu-Qirwaadeeniyyaati was also quickly sent to the Al-‘Asfooriyya Psychiatric Facility where he was beaten to death by a Force 16 thug who felt such an act would please Camille Chamoun and all Lebanese patriots.
What are the symptoms?
1. The sufferer always has this urge to stab his ally in the back;
2. The sufferer makes claims of sincerity while reveling in pangs of superficiality and sloth;
3. Those who have it find it impossible to arrive on time for anything;
4. Arriving on time is viewed as an affront;
5. Sufferers regularly praise a friend while helping to dig his grave under his own kitchen;
6. Sufferers always try to cruelly oust a friend who was just appointed to a higher position;
7. Friends are scorned and vilified with sneers and snorts when they receive honors;
8. All efforts to organize are perfunctorily sabotaged by inaction or pure perversity;
9. Success is viewed as failure;
10. Money trumps all principles, especially religious ones.
If you have any of these symptoms, you are probably from the Levant.
So why don’t the Syrian soldiers, security men, police or Dr. Assad have it?
We asked Dr. Haytham Abu-Khalaa’ah, an opposition eminence grise and physician about how that was so. His answer:
“The Ba’ath Party knows all this and doesn’t allow the condition to manifest itself. Morons who act out their instincts are quickly “corrected”. That’s how it’s done. That’s why Assad will win. And that’s why the opposition is doomed to live out its life in a Turkish bath house.”
NEWS AND NONSENSE FROM THE WORLD PRESS:
It seem SyrPer’s insistence on war crimes investigations has finally caught on:
Claudia sends this trenchant expose of Kerry as acolyte to Tony Blair. Enjoy the references to chess in describing the Russian tack:
Frank R. sends this important peaen to Snowden’s patriotism by way of retired CIA officers. A must-read. Thanks, Frank, Ziad