INDICTED HOMICIDAL, GENOCIDAL, FRATRICIDAL, SORORICIDAL, OMNICIDAL, INFANTICIDAL, GENETIC FREAK OF NATURE, FIELD MARSHALL OF POOP, PRESIDENT OF PAP, DOOFUS OF DARFUR, KLINGON KING OF KHARTOUM, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE MIRACLE OF DNA RETROGRADE ENGINEERING, HERE HE IS IN ALL HIS GLORY:
OMAR HASSAN AHMAD AL-BASHIR!!!
President Al-Bashir’s illustrious military career began in 1960 where he honed his skills at tactical retreating at the Egyptian Military Academy. Not satisfied with the comical Egyptian approach to military science, he transferred to the Sudan MilitaryAcademy and took a course in “Wholesale Slaughter 101”. He then became a paratrooper excelling in jumping out of trees without a parachute. In 1973, he actually fought with the Egyptian Third Army and was cited for his survival tactics after being surrounded by a handful of Zionist soldiers on the West Bank of the Suez Canal. Legend has it that he was able to sneak out of the untenable military situation by pretending to be a Nubian watermelon merchant. He made his way to Sudan and vowed never to join an Egyptian military campaign again.
Al-Bashir then began overthrowing governments. In 1989, he upended the rule of Prime Minister Sadiq Al-Mahdi, and inaugurated a new age of ignorance, backwardness and crackpot Islamic zealotry. Always believing that the “best way to get the people’s blood up is with a good Pogrom”, he unleashed his feared Janjaweed on the helpless people of Darfur, a largely Muslim region in Western Sudan. The impunity with which he prosecuted his pitiless war on the Darfurians led him to believe that he was protected by the Almighty. What he did not understand at the time was that no deity was involved; instead, he was blessed with the aura of “Hotdiggedydog”, or the “white man’s indifference to negro statistics”.
Mercury News Service investigative journalist, Obadiah Entwhistle, spoke to President Al-Bashir at his spacious palace in Khartoum overlooking the Nile River two weeks ago. We quote, with their permission, a part of the interview:
MNS: My! What a shock! Mr. President, a body just floated by us!
AL-BASHIR: Yeah. It’s those damn Ethiopians. They try to come over here for work all the time. Sometimes they don’t swim so good.
MNS: Why did Sudan vote against President Assad in suspending Syria’s membership in the Arab League?
AL-BASHIR: Well, he’s embattled, surrounded, enfeebled, beleaguered, circum..something or another. He’s killed alot of his own people. Right? I mean he killed over 40,000. Right?
MNS: But major international rights organizations say you killed over 1,000,000.
AL-BASHIR: Well, let’s not make a big deal out of that, okay? I’m just killing Africans.
MNS: Some believe President Assad is targeted because he is a part of the Iranian alliance. You just hosted a flotilla of Iranian warships at one of Sudan’s ports. Maybe you ought to give that a good look.
AL-BASHIR: Yeah. You know, you’re right. Maybe we oughta lighten up with that Iranian stuff. I didn’t think of that. Hmmm.
MNS: Rightly or wrongly, you are touted as the most prolific mass murderer since Pol Pot. What has that done to affect your presidency?
AL-BASHIR: You know, I’ve had a good life here. I got three wives. It’s been good.
MNS: May we ask a Barbara Walters question?
AL-BASHIR: You know I don’t like to cry.
MNS: Why don’t you have your own children?
AL-BASHIR: (tears welling up) Because all people of the Sudan are my children. (Breaks into sobs).
Well, we know many of you wanted to see Dr. Assad as “Man of the Year”. You feel cheated, no doubt.
He’ll have a second chance next year after he puts to death every rat infesting Syria. And we’re still waiting for the death of the biggest rat of them all: Prince Drum son of Doubledrum Husband of Madame Banana of the Second Rate Tribe. Go for it, Dr. Assad!